Explainer: ‘The baby doesn’t like you’: When pregnancy changes the rules of love
A young expectant mother. Men endure emotional abuse during their wives' pregnancies.
What you need to know:
- Pregnancy hormones can lower libido, trigger emotional withdrawal, and strain relationships unless couples communicate openly and patiently.
- According to Dr Mumira, the best way to handle such changes is through open, and patient communication.
In late 2017, Emily* was delighted to receive confirmation from a nurse that she was two weeks pregnant. What she did not know was that the relationship with her then partner – they were not officially married – was about to change drastically.
“We were on good terms, but after I received the news that I was pregnant, something suddenly changed. I no longer wanted to talk to him. At the time, I lived in Nakuru, where I worked for a civil society organisation, and he was based in Nairobi as an information technology specialist,” she says.
“If he came to visit, I would never want him to touch me. If he texted to say he was coming, because I was not picking up his calls, I would lock him out, and he would go back. This happened a couple of times until one day, after being locked out, he sent me a long message, saying I had subjected him to emotional abuse since I became pregnant. That was it. He left me and married another woman.”
Emily’s case is not unique. Douglas* also endured a similar experience during his wife’s pregnancy with their first daughter, now 13 years old. “She worked in Mombasa while I was in Nairobi. She never picked up my calls. I had to travel to see if she was okay. If I sat next to her, she would walk away. If I went to the sitting room where she was, she would move to the bedroom. If I followed her to the bedroom, she would return to the sitting room,” he says.
“I would ask, ‘What have I done wrong? Have I offended you? Please, talk to me.’ But she would say, ‘Nothing is wrong.’ I suffered. Eventually, I decided not to disturb her. I thought maybe the baby didn’t like me. Things only eased when she was close to giving birth, that’s when she would call me and let me be in the same room.”
Douglas adds, “It was trying. At some point, I thought she didn’t want me anymore and that it was over between us.”
It was not over, they are still married, but the cycle repeated itself during the pregnancy of their second child. This time, Douglas had their older child to focus on whenever his wife seemed to want nothing to do with him.
While Emily’s partner left her, accusing her of emotional abuse, Douglas clung to the belief that “the baby didn’t like me.”
But what was really happening to these expectant mothers?
Dr Samuel Mumira, a gynaecologist with an interest in fertility, explains that the changes in a pregnant woman’s body – physical, emotional and psychological – can affect relationships with their partners.
“When you are about to conceive, or when you are breastfeeding, prolactin hormone is produced in higher amounts. Prolactin helps in milk production, but when its levels are high, it suppresses libido. So the sexual urge may not be there,” he explains.
“In some cases, prolactin levels rise earlier than usual, and with the transition from a non-pregnant to a pregnant state, especially in the first trimester, things can get rocky. Hormone levels are high, and symptoms such as nausea and vomiting, combined with emotional shifts, can create tension in relationships.”
According to Dr Mumira, the best way to handle such changes is through open, and patient communication. “Communication is important, and it’s two-way. For a man, it’s okay to ask, ‘How are you? How are you feeling? You are not accepting my advances, what is wrong?’” he advises.
“But the first trimester can be tricky because of emotional imbalance. If you get an unwelcoming response, step back and try again later. It’s also advisable to seek counselling if the situation becomes unbearable.”
*Names changed to protect their privacy.
