How to divorce an abusive husband

Divorcing an abuser is intimidating, even if the abuse isn't physical. If you are married to a pathological liar who is in denial of the corrosive trauma he's inflicting upon you by fabricating stories and reconstructing reality, you begin to believe that you can’t trust yourself and your instincts. He manipulates and convinces you by proclaiming that his actions aren't abuse. When he admits it, he takes no accountability and gaslights you by claiming that you provoked him, therefore the blame is redirected to you. 

Abusers aren't capable of terminating toxic patterns of behaviour. There is a dynamic to an abusive relationship that is deeply entrenched, even if the abuse is 'only' verbal. In a multitude of marriages, verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations and can ultimately lead to murder. Verbal abuse can be as psychologically damaging and traumatic as physical abuse.

Also read: Early pregnancy, forced unions and violence: The hidden struggles of young mothers in Kibra

Children are sensitive to their parents' tension, misery and unhappiness and often experience the same emotional confinement. A woman may be in denial of how boisterously her husband berates her, but her children aren’t deaf, and the stares of contempt and disgust directed at her aren’t invisible. Non-verbal communication is just as psychologically damaging to children’s emotional development and mental health as it is to hers.

Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal-A Survival Guide, by Rosemary Lombardy, was written to assist women in safely navigating the complex physical, emotional and financial challenges of divorce. She states that it's imperative to prepare for war while divorcing your husband, as he may become profoundly wounded and exceedingly dangerous. 

Abusive men have no moral compass due to their self-loathing and will stoop to guerrilla tactics to exert authority and limit your gains during the divorce process. It won't matter to him that you gave him the best years of your life and you're the mother of his children. 

If he can pummel you with his words, fists, feet and his passive-aggressive behaviour, he is going to batter you with vengeful fury both in and off court, for your assertive tenacity of daring to divorce him. This conduct is referred to as Divorce Psychosis. Many men become maliciously lethal and terrified of losing control of their spouses and families. 

Therefore, it's critical to be prepared and informed before he suspects you intend to leave him. Remember you're at war and 'The Art of Deception' is a renowned and sanctioned military strategy that seeks to deceive, trick and fool the adversary. Create a false perception that can be leveraged to gain an advantage. Don't instantly reveal your intention to divorce him. 

Gather an excessive amount of information about marital assets and liabilities, consult a divorce attorney and start documenting the abuse before you depart. Have pictures taken of scars and bruises he inflicted upon you and make sure your injuries are meticulously documented. The photos and medical reports will chronologically define a consistent pattern of abuse, and they'll be used as evidence in court during the child custody battle. 

Rosemary indicates that the most significant actions to undertake during a divorce are to become informed, pay attention and anticipate outcomes. Your divorce lawyer may be competent and knowledgeable about legal matters, but may miss vital signs due to workload. 

Your lawyer won’t be able to anticipate your husband’s prospective intentions and countermoves as well as you do. You know his character, patterns, and idiosyncrasies better than anyone. Take responsibility for protecting your interests by anticipating possible outcomes and taking measures to mitigate the risk of violence in consultation with your lawyer.

Also read: Three young women, three abusive marriages, one common path to freedom

After conducting intensive research about your finances, decide what you'd like to achieve in the divorce settlement. Make a list of the belongings and assets you demand as well as the amount you require for alimony and child support. 

If you and your husband have investment accounts, enlist a financial advisor to assist you in determining which securities to demand in the settlement and don’t use the same financial advisor as your husband.

Ensure you aren't living in the same household once your husband is served with divorce papers, and don’t engage in discussions with him. Once you file for divorce, your husband is your nemesis, don’t expect him to act ethically and conduct himself with decorum. 

Avoid conforming to any of his intimidation and psychological warfare tactics; one of your objectives should be for the divorce to be over in a reasonable period. Your husband will use stalling tactics by engaging in subterfuge and deviant and detrimental behaviour to delay court proceedings and demoralise you with unrealistic demands.

Rosemary states that negotiating a divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. Use 'economy of force', which means allocating minimum essential power for secondary efforts. Your objectives, such as custody of the children, child support and alimony, should be given precedence over trivial assets and should be vividly understood. You must 'assert the moral force' of your right to live free from abuse and protect your children.

Invoke a concerted 'unity of command' by ensuring that you, your attorney and her legal assistants have a coherent strategy and a shared understanding of your objectives. Unity requires honest communication. Ensure that your objectives are written down, thoroughly discussed and that both you and your attorney have a copy. 

You don't get points for niceness. Being kind isn't appropriate in this situation. Your husband won’t appreciate it if you authorise him to acquire more assets than he’s entitled to receive, and he won’t suddenly respect you. Rosemary states that successful divorce attorneys are overbooked and will schedule court dates for the most vocal clients. If you're a people-pleaser by nature, you have to set that mentality aside and exert yourself decisively out of your comfort zone by firmly insisting that your divorce case receives urgent prioritised attention.

Jeff Anthony is a novelist, Big Brother Africa 2 Kenyan representative and founder of Jeff's Fitness Centre @jeffbigbrother