Dear Prof Kithure Kindiki.
Ordinarily we wouldn’t have written to you, understanding your tight schedule running a ministry that requires you to be constantly beating unarmed protestors, fighting bandits from your air-conditioned offices and fully cognizant of the real balls you have been juggling in the air.
This week, you warned members of the Kenya Medical Practitioners, Pharmacists and Dentists Union (KMPDU) of bad things if they do not call off their strike and return to work with immediate effect.
We understand that you had to do this, because the last time the minister for Health stopped by the roadside in Trans Nzoia and fired a police officer on the spot without your knowledge, and it would only be fair that you also threaten to beat up doctors to prove to her that all the degrees you have, none of them was earned online.
On behalf of all the hustlers in Kenya currently watching this wrestling match by the ringside, we would love to inform you that we are in your corner and do not remove the boot from those in Afya House who may want you to lose your job by setting you up for failure.
It is for this reason that this latest deployment of the police to fight with doctors not only will boost your image as the most hardworking cabinet secretary but also help our police officers train for their mission in Haiti.
We understand the teargas you have kept for Azimio protestors have been running stale and you need to prove it was not wastage of taxpayer’s money.
We know you only watch industrial chemistry on television, but the association of scholars in this sector would love to remind you that there are many uses of teargas that might be of interest to you.
Teargas cans can be resold to traditional liquor brewers to repurpose them into containers for drinking safe Muratina in the spirit of fighting alcoholism in the region where you come from, but if the Deputy President would not want to share with you the credit for fighting alcoholism in the Mt Kenya region, you can bring the canisters to my people in Kisumu County and other communities living in Malaria endemic zones to be used as mosquito-coil in homes that cannot afford mosquito nets.
Alternatively, if you’re afraid that you’ll be asked why you’re sending government supplies to those who did not vote for the government, you could ask the company that supplied the teargas stock to replace them with flavoured ones and open government shisha outlets to rival private players who have got our young people on the hook. At a time when your officers are cracking down on shisha dens, this could be the only opportunity to have a market monopoly and save your job by demonstrating value to the fluctuating Kenya Shilling.
Bwana CS, we have decided to offer free unsolicited advice to your Ministry taking a cue from the president’s call last Sunday for everyone to live within their means because the government has a complicated relationship with finances.
Mr CS, instead of baiting the doctors into coming to the streets to beat them down with weapons of mass destruction, the hustler nation has a better idea that would not only keep doctors off the streets but also finally endear you to the public: why not deploy the police to the hospitals to protect patients from death and diseases?
I am sure you have never even thought of this noble idea, because your ministry is composed of people who think national security is only about shooting things they can see with their own eyes.
What the advisors have failed to remind you, Bwana Waziri, is that you were appointed by a God chosen president who addresses all pressing national issues using the word of God.
The word of God, in the Book of Mathew 8:32, says “And He said to the demons, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and perished in the waters.”
Mr CS, you serve in one of the last remaining ministries which is yet to embrace faith diplomacy in its national security plan. That is why agents of the devil, who did not support your government in the last elections, have been teaming up with bandits in the North Rift to get you fired from office. There is an urgent need for you to demonstrate that you love your job just like Christ loves the Church, and this doctors’ strike presents a perfect opportunity for you to shine with other hidden qualities which your voice has been hiding.
That is why, instead of deploying the police on the streets to fight with doctors, you should ask for funds from the Treasury to establish the Kenya Police Evangelical Ministry that will not only be responsible for spreading the word of God in the Kenya Police but also exorcising demons in medical facilities.
At a time like this when the country is reeling from a shortage of medical personnel at our health facilities, this team of police evangelists will be empowered with spiritual guns, holy teargas and anointed bullets capable of detecting diseases that have been caused through the hands of man and shooting them out of the patients’ bodies bringing them back to tiptop health for them to return to help us pay taxes.
If you really want to save your job that is increasingly slipping out of your grasp, my advice to you is to launch this idea immediately and see how many churches will express willingness to invite you to their pulpit every Sunday to narrate to them how you were visited by the Angel of the Lord who is in charge of bearing Good News only in your sleep.
I trust this letter finds you well, even though you have been hallucinating a lot, lately. Kenyans miss the Prof Kithure Kindiki who used to face the barrel of the gun and make it melt.
