On this year's Father's Day, let's recognise the unrecognised fathers. For example, those fathers still carrying father wounds. Those men who are becoming fathers when they're still broken from the dysfunctional relationship they had with their own father. These men are expected to give what they were never given. To lead when they weren't led themselves. To teach things nobody taught them.
But didn't they choose to become fathers in the first place? Perhaps they did. Perhaps they just found themselves there. You see, that ability to plan and prepare for major commitments is part of what a father instils in a son. Some of them had fathers who didn't plan and prepare for them. He staggered into fatherhood and remained emotionally distant. The boy grew to be as impulsive and detached as his dad was and started fatherhood in the same fashion.
Some people call it a generational curse while others call it a clan problem. However, psychologically, it is simply the rule that people can't give what they don't have. We remember the fathers in this situation today, who want to be better and do better but don't know how. You're the generational flag bearer. The fact that you're aware of the problem confirms that your purpose is to change it. Undertake psychological healing. Invest in emotional recovery. Take yourself through psychological therapy. It's uncomfortable but worth it.
When you come out on the other side you'll have dug up and processed things that have sat inside you all your life. You'll unpack wounds and forgive offences. Your self-esteem will rise from the rubble. You will love yourself the way you needed your father to love you. You'll appreciate yourself and finally extend the same love to your children. The second group of unsung heroes is the fathers who have been denied the chance to father their own. They've been separated and shut out. They've been made the villain and portrayed as absent and irresponsible.
You're not less of a father just because you had a season of struggle.
Photo credit: Pool
Their efforts to be present have been frustrated and their generosity taken advantage of. They have agonised and spent sleepless nights grieving. It breaks their hearts every day to watch their children grow without them. These men are undergoing the kind of stress that would overwhelm many and take them down. But they're holding themselves together and showing up in the world despite the knot in their chest.
To these isolated fathers, we advise changing strategy and thinking long term. If attempting co-parenting always leaves you drained financially and emotionally, you're risking your health and your legacy. If you don't change your approach, you'll end up sickly and broke. It's better to retreat and prepare to link up with your children when they attain legal maturity. In the meantime, prepare an inheritance for them. Build yourself as a man and a father. Spread your wings and scale the heights of career, social networks and contribution to your generation.
These will be the most valuable assets to bequeath to your estranged children when you finally reconnect. Preserve evidence of your attempts to be in their lives as you'll need it to counter the false narratives they've been fed. Build another family if you're inclined to and enjoy your life rather than living in constant grief. Don't let life pass you by while you grieve.
Lastly, we pass Father's Day greetings to those fathers who feel like they have failed. Those who carry guilt, regret and heaviness in their chest when they look at their now-grown children. Perhaps a huge chunk of your years as a father was spent away for work or constant travel. You didn't realise how fast time flew and before you knew it, you came home to find that they were no longer children. They were teenagers and young adults already living their busy lives.
Or you're the dad recovering from alcohol, which took away all your free time. You were never sober when home and you don't have memories or a clear recollection of your journey with your children. You may have provided financially but you were emotionally absent. Now you've woken up but it's too late. They're no longer children and they have already left home.
As much as you cannot reverse time, you can still stitch the connection together through deliberate effort. You can build a relationship from the stage they're in now. We all need fathers throughout life. Instead of just regretting, start repairing. Show up and show you care. Even if they already have their own families, you can be the best grandpa to their children and the wisest advisor because you have seen life.
You're not less of a father just because you had a season of struggle. You didn't start well but you can finish gloriously. Better late than never. As the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Happy Father's Day!
