If you get married by moving in first, you start on a very low note.
Hey Zulu,
If we move in before marriage, will our union lose its joy or have issues? I am not sure what to do because my boyfriend wants us to move in first then formalise our union later. I am somewhat scared. Please help. Naomi
If you get married by moving in first, you start on a very low note. It is not illegal nor immoral, and you may have seen others do it that way. But one thing you’re not paying attention to is energy levels, or how much joy and vibe there will be in your journey together.
Perhaps you think it is enough that you love each other and nothing else matters. You are committed and trust each other, so other things can fall into place along the way. Right? Not quite.
There’s something else besides love that you cannot ignore – how you start. If you watch a choir master leading an orchestra, you will see them setting the note that the singers should use. And if they miss that note, he or she will cancel that entrance as a false start and attempt again. Why is the entry point so important? Because the note at which the song starts will determine whether the choir can steer it to a crescendo and hit the climax.
Your marriage, too, has something similar to an orchestra’s hymnal. You want an element of joy and poetic rhythm to your journey. You want to start singing songs and dancing to celebrate each other. You don’t want a low-key start point that is dull and colourless.
This is one reason many unions dry up and lose vibrancy. They started on a dry note. The problem is that many people associate ceremonies with a poorly planned wedding; too big and expensive beyond the couple’s budget, one that comes after a whirlwind courtship, and so the couple breaks up soon after, owing to the lack of meaningful connection.
You can plan your ceremony well and keep it within your budget. If someone claims not to have a budget or views any ceremony as a waste of money, are they even ready for this journey? Sometimes, people express a total lack of appreciation for who you are.
If you think I am special, why do you want to steal me from my community like an illicit drug? I have family and friends with whom we cheer each other as we cross life milestones.
Why does it seem wasteful to you when I want to cross this one-in-a-lifetime landmark with them? And if you say ceremonies are full of haters or insincere people, exactly what kind of people have you been hanging out with? Can we try out first, then commit later?’ How many times can you do this? How many trial runs can you take? You have only one life and one chance at getting married.
The moment you’re living together and getting babies, the wheels of life have started turning. You cannot do that over afresh. Of course, you can try to do a ceremony later, but it won’t be the same. It will be more of a patch-up or a facelift. In short, you should respect entrances in life. How you begin something sets the tempo for how you’ll perform it.
If you want a vibrant love life, starting with song and fanfare is better than silence and secrecy. The size of the ceremony is up to you, but the essence is to have your community join with you. Remember, if it is not on paper, it is vapour.
By all means, a woman has more to lose than a man. There is a natural season when you will be down during pregnancy and breastfeeding. If you think of the worst-case scenarios, you wouldn’t merge your life carelessly with anyone.
Whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. Do not enter tentatively; otherwise, there will be no energy. When graduation season comes, you proudly wear a graduation cap and walk across a stage.
When you welcome a new baby, you gather loved ones to celebrate. These rituals are not mere formalities; they are affirmations that mark the passage of life. Marriage, too, deserves that honour.
To treat it casually is to underplay one of the most important commitments you will ever make.
Note that a wedding ceremony doesn’t have to be extravagant. You only need to work within your budget and have friends as witnesses. This move is crucial psychologically as it marks the beginning of a new season.
You should also remember that men marry twice, socially and then psychologically. If the psychological bit is not done, he will continue with his hunting instinct. A woman’s bargaining power is before marriage. After this, things may be more challenging.
Lead with knowledge and wisdom. Start well, and you give yourselves the chance to thrive. Do your assessments thoroughly, and when you’re satisfied that this is the way to go, go in with all your heart. Make it joyful and colourful. It is your season, and it comes only once in life.
Good luck!
