Narcissists are always too tired or too busy for you, but they're always full of energy regarding their friends, colleagues, and distant relatives.
Hi Zulu,
I am 27 years old, and the mother of one. My husband is so sweet, helpful, and charming to everyone outside, but at home, he is always angry, cold, and blames me for everything.
When I raise the issue, he'll twist the narrative until I end up apologising. He's so full of himself and impossible to correct. If I want peace, I must agree to everything he wants. What should I do?
Dear reader,
Welcome to the world of narcissists. These kinds of people are always too tired or too busy for you, but they're always full of energy regarding their friends, colleagues, and distant relatives.
With outsiders, they have endless patience and happiness, but when you request any help, they snap.
With others, they're charming. With you, they're agitated and always on the edge of blowing up in anger.
Out there, they're amenable and easy-going. At home, they have a short temper and a bad mood.
They say you're a terrible person who stresses them out. You bring out the worst in them, so they're not happy around you.
They don't care about marriage milestones like anniversaries and special occasions. To them, they're just dull and irritating tasks that they'll avoid if they can.
The narcissist survives on lies and false images. They put on a show of being strong and independent, but the truth is, they are weak and deeply dependent on you. That’s why they can’t stand the thought of an amicable breakup, even though they never stop complaining about how terrible you are.
In reality, they need you. But they hate that they need you. So they end up stuck between dependence and resentment, loving what you provide yet despising you for exposing their weakness.
You feel sadness that never subsides, and devastation that you never knew was possible in a relationship.
What's really the problem? Well, it’s not you, and you're not the trigger.
The problem is their double life. Out there, they present a persona, but at home, you know their true personality.
And that's the root of the problem. You no longer feed their image. You have become too real, too close, and too unfiltered. You see behind the mask, and that makes you inconvenient.
Your gaze reminds them of the ugly truth. You remind them of everything they are not, everything they avoid, everything they have failed to be. You show them they're not the nice person they pretend to be. They're nasty.
You show them they're not as generous and helpful as they pretend to be. They're stingy and mean. You hold up a mirror they don't want to look into, while outsiders reflect the illusion they're desperate to maintain.
At home, narcissists have a short temper and a bad mood.
They will work overtime for their bosses but can't help at home for 10 minutes. They don't care about your exhaustion because your struggles don't earn them applause.
They don't respond to your needs because your presence is real. You're no longer a performance they can control and manipulate. They can't impress you anymore. That makes you an irritant, something they would gladly dispose of if it were not for the practical needs you serve in their life.
You keep them housed and fed, for example. You also take care of their children and give them the image of a family person, which is essential for their societal reputation.
They save their best behaviour for the outside world because that's where the validation is. The mask drops when they get home, and the audience is gone.
Again, narcissists are conscious pretenders. They know what they're doing, and this also means they can stop. They depend on your silence and softness to continue the control.
So your first solution is your voice. Speak up every time they overstep your boundaries. Call them out when they pretend or lie. Use a factual, calm tone rather than an argumentative one.
Say, 'I noticed your change of mood once you're left alone with us. You were charming at church, but you're cold at home. Do you need some help?
When they say mean things like, 'You bring out the worst side of me. You make me insult you,' reply with, 'I don't think so. You're choosing your actions, and I will not accept false blame.'
Hold a mirror for them rather than becoming a sponge to absorb their actions.
Sometimes, people mistreat you because you accommodate it. Stop accommodating it.
That way, you'll leave him with only two options: to shape up or step out. Your stance should be that of, 'I will be treated with respect or I'll be left alone.' In either case, you win.
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