There are marriages where one person has all the power and the other is powerless.
Hi Zulu,
My friend's husband is hitting on me, and I am married myself, but I have started developing some feelings for him. I don't want to ruin our friendship or even hurt anyone. What should I do?
Dear reader,
Once someone starts crossing the boundaries of respect between friends and families to make indecent advances on you, something is bound to die. So, be ready to lose something.
They started the violation of boundaries, and you shouldn't feel responsible for what dies after this. Whether it is the friendship with his wife or the trust between them.
Your task at this point is to focus on damage control. First, you have to make sure you're not giving any signals, conscious or unconscious, that might appear to invite him. Something like provocative dressing or unwarranted physical closeness when his wife is not around.
There's a new vice in society where people prefer to cheat with fellow married people because it's easier to keep the secret since they both have something to protect. You need to pass a strong message that you're not available for such an arrangement. Avoid being alone with him anywhere, be it in the car or while running errands.
Hopefully, he'll stop, and the tension will be gone. That way, you can maintain your friendship without getting involved in their marriage.
But what if he becomes unrelenting and bolder? In that case, you're left with two options: walk away quietly or expose him to his wife.
If you leave quietly, you'll leave your friend feeling confused and betrayed. She'll be left thinking: 'I thought we were friends; how do you ghost me like that? What have I done? If I have wronged you , at least accord me the dignity of communication. Will you just end our friendship unilaterally without giving me a chance to right whatever went wrong?
Lustful husband
If you report him, on the other hand, you risk sparking a nasty fight between them. Who knows whether their marriage will ever be the same again after that?
You're also concerned about your friend's safety in the hands of this disrespectful and lustful husband. Will she get infections from him, given that he must be moving around with many other women?
Sometimes, you also wonder whether your friend already knows about that side of her husband. Will your revelation force her to deal with something she wasn't ready for yet?
Worse still, could things turn against you so that you're sidelined and even accused of seducing him yourself?
There are marriages where one person has all the power and the other is powerless.
You're torn and confused. The truth is that there's only one question you should ask yourself, and you'll get your final answer on what to do. What's the power dynamics in this marriage?
There are marriages where one person has all the power and the other is powerless. If the one with power is the husband, don't bother telling your friend. She can do nothing. Either she'll turn the story against you, or she'll get depressed and still sit there helplessly.
They don't tell you this during marriage vows, but the most crucial quality in marriage - and in life - is power. Power is not limited to money because the person with money is sometimes the powerless and the victimised one in the union.
Self-respect
Personal power is about self-respect and mental stamina. In other words, power belongs to the person who respects themselves too much to tolerate disloyalty and betrayal. It also belongs to the person who possesses an independent mind that can think objectively without being blinded by the status of marriage.
If the couple has a healthy balance of power where both the man and the woman have influence over the course of the marriage, you should inform your friend.
She will appreciate the information and handle it while also protecting you. She'll most likely ask for incriminating evidence and then ask you to step out so they can square with the offender once and for all.
A separation will follow, where the man will need to convince her to give him another chance. She will only accept if he carries out a total overhaul of his behaviour, starting with his lust and blatant dishonour of his wife.
Your friendship will survive, but the man will keep a very healthy distance from you. Exactly what he should have done from the beginning.
This is the same formula to use when it's the husband of your sister or your boss. Always ask yourself about the power differential or distribution in that marriage. If the woman is powerless, leave.
Someone who is mentally weak, fearful, and tolerant of disrespect is essentially a doormat for the abuser. They can't help themselves, and he knows it.
In conclusion, I urge you to choose integrity over lust, unity over chaos, respect over dishonour, and reject the thought of emotions pushing you to destroy your family and your friends.
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