One of my New Year's resolutions was to settle down this year. However, I'm in a relationship with a woman who says she is not ready to settle down. She always has something more to accomplish. If I try to slow down and pull back, she comes apologising and showering me with love, but I feel my time is running out. She's 27, and I'm 34.
She'll stay with me for a weekend and behave like my dream wife, but then disappear again. She just started her postgraduate studies, but I don't think I can wait for another three years until she graduates. She stopped me from proposing to her or initiating the dowry process.
She's keeping you as an option while waiting to see if someone better will come along. Not someone superior to you necessarily, but someone she likes better. What you're experiencing is emotional tethering. She's keeping you close enough for access but not close enough for commitment.
The fact that she fluctuates between affection and indecisiveness shows that she's debating within herself. Should she agree to marry you when she's not sure about you? Yet letting you go is also risky because she's not sure if she'll find someone better.
The new year is a good time for clarity and making life-altering decisions. Below are the guiding principles to help you as you shape your life.
Remember that whether this is conscious manipulation on her part or unresolved internal conflict makes no difference. The impact on you is the same. If someone says they do not want to lose you, yet they also refuse to change for you or get ready for you, that's organised confusion.
If they want you in their life but say they do not like labels, they're merely avoiding commitment . They may claim they want pure love, not forced, and not hurried. “Let things unfold naturally,” they'll say.
Then they start giving you relationship problems without any serious relationship. Jealousy. Possessiveness. Emotional attachment.
They may communicate constantly and confess their liking for you. And in the name of hanging out, you end up doing everything reserved for married people. Except for making any solid plans to get married
Here is what is happening: they noticed you lack firm boundaries and clarity about what you want in life. So, they are riding on that gap to access all of your essence without offering any security. What's at stake? Your time. Your energy. Your body. Your heart. Your reputation. In other words, everything that should be reserved for negotiating marriage.
Do you know how many people are walking around single and stuck because their prime years were stolen by love scammers? Your solution is to stop falling in love where there is no structure. You are making it easy for people to joyride on your destiny. They're wasting your window for meeting a true soulmate.
If someone is not sure about you, why are they talking to you every day? And showing up to hang out with you? Stop entertaining contradictions and dragging along ambiguous people. Whenever you feel confused, step back from your involvement. Protect your peace and keep yourself in one piece for your true soulmate.
What steps do you take from here? One: exit her orbit. Stop entertaining her. Firmly end things without further discussion. Explanation invites bargaining. Perform the method of breakup called clean cut. Clinical and final.
Two: Restore your sexual boundaries. How different would this story be if you were not engaging in premarital sex with this woman? Have you noticed how she has weaponised sexual intimacy as a bribe to calm you down when you've made up your mind?
The Bible says that a bribe blinds the eyes of those who see. It's impossible to think soberly when you're being given secret favours behind the scenes. Envision dating as an interview whose aim is to filter out candidates by character. You'd never sleep with interviewees if you were hiring the CEO for your family company. In short, leave the bedroom and return to the boardroom, where interviews must be conducted.
Three: Repackage yourself and return to the market immediately. Start mingling and asking women out again. Start opening conversations and chatting with new prospects.
What about the pain of this breakup? Count it a blessing that she never accepted. You were spared from marrying the wrong person. Reckon it an act of divine grace that you tried multiple times to commit to someone who doesn't truly want you.
You'd otherwise be dealing with a partner who shows reluctance and detachment while already married to you. You'd be locked in a situation that only a divorce would set you free from.
Finally, what if she doesn't accept the breakup? Keep in mind that you've already seen who she is. Any theatrics she performs should not confuse you.
People always deal with losses differently. She's losing a victim who is waking up and being firm with his decisions for the first time. That can be shocking but it's a loss nevertheless.
Allow her to adjust without getting confused by any emotional reactions she may put up. Count it as a New Year's gift to yourself, brother!
