Should you tell your children about your past mistakes?
Children need to feel safe, not responsible for your past.
Many of us have skeletons in our closets that haunt us. It could be a drug habit we kicked, but we've never disclosed it to our kids. Or it could be lustful entanglements, which, in their wake, left many broken hearts and homes.
These lurking skeletons are fond of casting creepy shadows, long after we've settled down and we're trying to put daylight between our new versions and our dark past.
You swore you'd take your secret to your grave. But the skeletons in your closet have other ideas. They're like, “Rattle, rattle, rattle. Not over our dry bones, Ezekiel!”
Vulnerability
Joan Kamere is a marriage and family therapist who practices at JK Therapy Ke. She says that before parents can be vulnerable with their children, they must first be honest with themselves. She hastens to add that true vulnerability begins with self-reflection and the courage to acknowledge past mistakes without defensiveness. This internal work is essential because, if a parent cannot own their missteps privately, they are unlikely to speak about them openly, especially within a parent-child dynamic where power and authority are naturally embedded.
“Being vulnerable with your child is not about unloading guilt or seeking absolution,” Joan points out. “It’s about modelling self-awareness, accountability, and emotional honesty; qualities that help children develop a secure internal compass.”
Joan counsels that, before sharing their dark past, a parent should consider the following guiding questions: “What is my intention in sharing this?” “Is it to teach a life lesson, break an intergenerational cycle, or help your child understand you more deeply?” A parent's reason will shape both what they share.
The other fundamental guiding question is, “Have I taken full responsibility for my role?” That said, a parent should realise that vulnerability is not the same as justification.
“Before bringing your child into the conversation,” Joan says, “ensure you’ve done the inner work; reflected honestly, made peace with the discomfort, and are willing to be accountable.”
Age appropriateness
“Age is something parents should consider when choosing to open up to children about their past mistakes,” Joan says. “While your intent guides what you share, your child’s developmental stage guides how you share it.”
According to developmental psychologist Jean Piaget, younger children (ages 4–7, preoperational stage) think in concrete, black-and-white terms. They are not yet able to process abstract concepts like “past choices,” “emotional motives,” or “grey areas” in morality.
What they can grasp are simple stories with clear lessons and a sense of safety. So, when sharing with this age group, focus on values rather than events. For example, you might say: “I once hurt my brother's feelings because I was upset. I learned that it’s important to use kind words even when I’m angry.” Children in the 7–11 age range (concrete operational stage) begin to understand cause and effect more logically. They can grasp basic moral lessons and may even start reflecting on their own behaviour. But they still need structure and reassurance. A story shared with this age group should include what happened, what was learned, and that things turned out okay. Avoid details that are emotionally overwhelming or adult-themed.
By adolescence (12+, formal operational stage), abstract reasoning is developing. Teens can think about moral dilemmas, intentions, and psychological complexity. They're also highly attuned to hypocrisy, so vulnerable sharing can be powerful if it is authentic and self-responsible. This age group is ready for deeper conversations that explore not just what happened, but why it mattered, and what was learned.
Safety first
“Children need to feel safe, not responsible for your past,” Joan concludes. “After sharing, create space for dialogue and reflection; this turns a moment of vulnerability into a shared learning experience.”
You may ask follow-up questions like, “Have you ever felt that way?” or “What would you have done differently?” This opens space for co-reflection, which strengthens relational bonds and helps your child internalise emotional intelligence skills through modelled behaviour.
