I am in my 30s, a medical professional and a committed Christian. I have always dreamt of marriage and building a home with a present man. Growing up, my dad was always away and came home only a few times a year.
However, I get bored by good men. I have lost three so far, and they all went on to marry and, as far as I can tell, are doing fine.
My last relationship looked like what every woman admires: a kind, caring man who was clear about his intentions. But the more serious it got and the closer we came to commitment, the more restless I grew. We eventually broke up.
Let’s get two things out of the way. First, you can meet good men and feel no chemistry with them, and that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. In that case, the right thing is to let them go so they can find someone who is attracted to them. It also gives you the chance to do the same.
Contrary to what many think, marriage to a good person with whom you have no chemistry becomes a grind. When you leave a man because you don’t feel him, you have done the right thing, even if everyone thinks otherwise. You have also spared him the burden of feeling hard to love, of working constantly to please you while watching you come alive only around other people, never around him.
Can we simply marry and hope to learn to love the person along the way? No, it doesn’t work like that. Chemistry is only the tip of the iceberg. The real problem is deeper and psychological. It usually involves personality differences, intellectual compatibility, physical preferences and a myriad of other things you can’t name but your nervous system feels.
The second issue is that you grew up with a largely absent father. That alone can make you crave distant love and distrust present, consistent love. Whether or not this is the root of your avoidance, I will explain the psychological mechanism behind the self-sabotage you have noticed, and recommend a solution.
You keep choosing people you have to chase and convince. You say you want consistency, but when someone offers it freely, you start looking for the catch. When a relationship has no chasing and no lapses in communication, when a man shows up and keeps his word, your body whispers, “This cannot be real.”
Somewhere in your past, you learnt that love comes after proving yourself, attention comes after performing, and safety comes after pleasing. You believe that being chosen is something you must work hard to win. So if someone chooses you before you have proven yourself through overgiving and great effort, you don’t trust it.
That is why you love people when they are far away, and get bored when they come close. Unavailable people fill your need to work for something. Their distance gives you a job. Not knowing whether they will choose you gives you something to overthink and solve, and solving feels more familiar than simply receiving. As a result, what you call chemistry at the beginning, and its fading over time, was never connection at all, but uncertainty. The butterflies came from hypervigilance and anxiety. Every delayed reply, small breakthrough and temporary burst of affection gave you a rush of dopamine.
My last relationship looked like what every woman admires: a kind, caring man who was clear about his intentions. But we broke up.
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The solution is not to beat yourself up or to pretend and go along with it. The solution is to heal and to unlearn the message that you don’t deserve genuine love.
The real problem is a wounded inner child. It is what we might call situational low self-esteem, because it shows up only in relationships. In your career, you may be very confident, but in personal relationships you are triggered. A trauma-informed counsellor can help you unpack what happened in your past and rewrite the script that has been running in the background. They will help you change the template you use for love relationships, meaning the patterns and filters that decide what feels safe and what you believe you deserve.
When a father is not present to love and validate you, your instinct is to win his attention, either by performing very well at school or by being the good child. These patterns can follow you into adulthood, where you trust only the love you have earned. Until you challenge this narrative and detach from it, it will continue to shape your relationships, and you will call it fate.
How will you know you have healed enough to move into love and marriage? When you can receive without guilt, give without anxiety and set standards without fear of rejection. Healing is often a journey rather than an event, but you will know you are ready for marriage when you have enough emotional and mental stability to give and receive love without feeling overwhelmed. You can continue the rest of the healing inside the marriage.
