Nobody wants to see a 36-year-old marrying their daughter while saying, “I'm broke now, but I have plans.
Hi Zulu
My fiancé left me, saying I don't earn enough. I'm 36 and earn Sh25,000, although I supplement with side gigs like online writing. I can make up to Sh40,000 in a good month. I hold a BBIT degree, and I feel late. I don't pay rent because I stay in one of my mum's bedsitter rentals. We had been dating for two years, and during that time her income grew from Sh40,000 to Sh80,000 per month.
I never knew my dad, and sometimes I think that if he were in my life, I would have been doing better. I like betting, especially during Premier League games, and my girlfriend doesn’t like it. What can I do? I doubt I'll find such a good woman again. My family really likes her, and they are pressuring me to reconcile with her, but she has blocked me everywhere.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, brother. But honesty will help us more than comfort. She didn't leave because of the Sh25,000. Good women, as you say she was, never leave because of small beginnings. They leave because of lack of growth. It was not the salary that frustrated her, but your trajectory. She doubled her salary in two years, but you stayed the same.
Many say that women are all about money, but most women seek security. In an economy like Kenya with little or no buffer from government or inheritance, the only safety is an unmistakable work ethic and evident growth. A woman with survival instincts will prioritise a man with unquestionable financial acumen.
Secondly, your age. At 36, you are no longer being measured against your potential like you were at 26. Right now, you're being judged against momentum. After 35, society expects you to have begun establishing your direction in life. It may not be fair, but our society expects men to lead in marriage by providing and protecting. Nobody wants to see a 36-year-old marrying their daughter while saying, “I'm broke now, but I have plans.”
Third, staying at your mother's bedsitter may seem pragmatic on your end, but a woman wonders how a man who is not paying his own rent will afford to pay for a family. You still look like a dependant. Fourth, that issue of occasional betting is not as peripheral as you put it. You see the habit as recreational, she sees it as a potential disaster. If you're indulging when you have little income and minimal stress, what about when more disposable income comes together with increased responsibilities? You may drown.
You lacked a father's mentoring, and it left a real gap in your growth, but you can't keep using that as an excuse. No matter how we were brought up, we must grow up. Our childhood deprivations and how we were let down by parents can explain delays, but they cannot justify stagnation. There's a difference between being late and being lost.
What's the solution? First, you're 36, not 63. You're only behind, not left out. You have enough time to make a U-turn. You can open a new chapter. Your earnings always match your learning. So, start learning better, and you'll start earning better. Better income signals better input and a brighter future. Dig into your personality and adjust towards jobs or roles that align with your natural strengths. That's a life hack by itself that many never discover.
If you find what you enjoy doing, your work begins to feel like play, and you can excel in it 10 times faster. You can undertake self-discovery and start operating from strength instead of stress. She was a good woman, but not the only one. She was meant to be a lesson. If you learn it well, another one will come.
You need to drop the scarcity mindset and adopt a growth mindset. Assume that she came to awaken you, and once you level up, you'll meet other people on that level. Your family liked her, but that is irrelevant. You are the one in the mix and the one bearing the emotional weight of the experience. Do not accept their pressure. If the woman has chosen distance and blocked you, forget about her and focus on personal growth.
Even if you were to pursue and beg until she returns, she might never respect you the same. You need to safeguard your dignity in all of this. Are there chances of getting her back? Yes, but only if she brings herself back after witnessing your transformation. If she comes on her own, she'll submit to your leadership rather than despise it. Your woman didn't leave because you were a failure. She left because she couldn't see where you were going.
She could see where you were coming from and even empathise about it, but she couldn't see where you were going. Women respect vision and not victimhood. They want you to try, not just cry.
A good woman is a helper, but she wants to help a man with direction and drive. She doesn't want to push a stalled car. The lesson for you and all Kenyan men is that growth is not optional. You may start at Sh25,000 but if you settle into betting, football, video gaming and other comfortable but unproductive habits, you'll lose the respect of your women and your families. You need a growth plan that you stick to and which keeps you evolving in these unpredictable times.
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