I once witnessed a scene at a birthday party that left me utterly stunned and reflective. It was at a celebration for a four-year-old girl, whom we shall call Baby Barbara.
As is often the case in many Kenyan children’s parties, the adults quickly took over, transforming what should have been a playful, innocent gathering into something more akin to a grown-up social affair. Our hosts for the evening were a well-to-do couple, Joel and Makena, living in an impressive house that seemed to mirror their success.
Just before dusk, as the party was winding down and guests prepared to leave, one of them casually complimented Joel, the man of the house, for hosting such a lovely event. What happened next was truly jaw-dropping.
Makena, who had certainly indulged in more than her fair share of the expensive whiskey that was being served, cut in abruptly. ‘There is nothing that Baba Barbara pays for in this house, not even tissue paper,” she quipped without hesitation. Her words hung in the air, uncomfortably heavy, as the awkward silence that followed revealed the sting of her statement.
That moment stuck with me, and I was reminded of it when I saw a viral post by the author of Unplugged, Jacob Aliet: “Men will literally choose a shy, polite soft woman with zero achievements over an arrogant career woman.”
Silas Nyanchwani, an author who explores masculinity and has written Fifty Memos to Men, strongly believes that nothing shatters a man’s sense of self more than having a wife who not only earns significantly more but also disregards his opinions and, at times, disrespects him openly. This kind of dynamic, he argues, can make a man feel crushed, diminished, and even “suicidal.”
Men will choose a shy, polite soft woman with zero achievements over an arrogant career woman.
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Aliet offers a more analytical view. He points out that many women from the Baby Boomer generation were raised by mothers who, having been financially dependent on men and fearing the societal stigma of divorce, emphasized the importance of education and independence to their daughters.
These mothers were not raising future wives; they were raising future workers. As a result, many modern women grew up seeing men through a different lens, one shaped by the Internet, increasing access to birth control, liberalisation of sexuality, feminism, and the ever-changing workplace. This shift in mindset, Aliet argues, has led to a growing divide between men and women.
He further claims that when married career women encounter financial hardships in their marriages, eight times out of ten, they choose to walk away, seeking out new opportunities with other men. Aliet even talks about what he calls “arrogant” women who, in his words, are too “masculine” to be led by a man. These women, he says, thrive on drama and seek excitement, often making them incompatible with “normal” men, who they find boring.
The allure of the soft-spoken, demure woman – one who admires her man’s every accomplishment, no matter how small – is thus romanticised by many men. It is the fantasy of a woman who, having achieved little herself, is in awe of even the most modest achievements of her partner, making him feel like a king.
In conversations with a cross-section of Kenyans, it is clear that opinions on this issue are far from unanimous. Alex Musau, for instance, is quite blunt in his assessment, describing many career women as “hard-eyed, hard-hearted, and impolite.” He believes they want to “have their cake and eat it too,” a sentiment that is echoed by others. According to the digital creator, any man who values his manhood desires a soft, soft-spoken, feminine woman.
Some men fantasise about the shy, submissive woman who will support them without challenge.
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Meanwhile, Mogei Nyatuya, 30, takes a different view, arguing that women should not be discouraged from achieving great things in life. “Let your daughters achieve nothing and see how ‘marketable’ they are by the time they turn 27,” he retorts sarcastically.
Frank Kelly, an electronics salesman, admits that most Kenyan men prioritise a woman’s character over her professional achievements. However, Deekat Label, a gospel evangelist, adds a layer of complexity to the conversation, stating that men often cheat with the type of woman they did not marry. “You have a simple, laid-back woman at home,” he says, “but then you go out chasing after those arrogant, high-flying career women.”
The debate about whether men truly prefer submissive women rages on, with strong views on both sides. Collo Makasoja, a college teacher, asks bluntly: “How can you live with someone who wants to replace you, struggling hard to be a man?” He is talking about the ballsy woman. This conflict has seen an increase in divorce cases especially when couples relocate to countries where women are not subdued and gender roles and stereotypes differ.
Alex Mari, a Kenyan now living in Oregon, US, for instance says, he left his ex-partner because “I let her be the man she always wanted to be.”
Women, of course, have their say, too. Wairimu wa Mahinge, a communications officer, is unapologetic in her stance: “My children will be educated and opinionated, just like their mother.” On the other hand, Omolo Onduru, a devoted Christian and philosophy student, offers a bit of wisdom with a Kenyan proverb: “When a man goes to the market to buy sweet oranges, why should the lemons be bitter?”
Perhaps the most insightful comments come from Dr Kenneth Ombongi, the Associate Dean of Research and Postgraduate Studies at the University of Nairobi. He points out that African society has long been a “triarchy” where men dominate and women are often viewed through a lens of misogyny, paternalism, and objectification. “This means that women can be disrespected, disregarded, and seen as property,” he explains. Cultural sayings like wacha umama reflect the deep-seated beliefs that still permeate many parts of African society.
But Dr Ombongi also warns that modern women, especially those who adopt what he calls a “masculinity frame,” face considerable challenges. “If you’re a woman who works late, networks in the evenings, and spends less time with the children, you will soon run into marital strife, even if your career thrives.”
In the end, the debate boils down to a clash of values – between tradition and modernity, between dependency and independence, between softness and assertiveness. While some men fantasise about the shy, submissive woman who will support them without challenge, others are increasingly coming to terms with the reality that a strong, successful partner can be just as fulfilling – if not more so.
As for Joel, the man whose wife once embarrassed him at that birthday party? Well, when I ran into him recently in Kitale, he had moved on. Now earning a modest salary, three times less than what his wife earned, and expecting a child with a new woman he terms as “humble”. But is that peace built on genuine happiness, or simply the avoidance of past wounds? Perhaps, only time will tell.
