Have you ever been disgruntled about something, and at the peak of that disgruntlement you happen to come across someone who is even more frustrated by the matter than you are?
Well, I did last week, and I must confess that it was quite therapeutic to get someone to grumble with. And as if this wasn’t enough of a jackpot, while we were in the thick of dissecting this matter and apportioning blame to the person we believed was behind the mess we all had to deal with, someone else, who had overheard our intense rumblings, joined us, and without bothering with small talk, went ahead to voice their discontent where this matter was concerned. I have never felt so validated in my entire life!
And before you accuse me of gossiping, this wasn’t the kawaida kind of gossip that the Bible warns us about, you know, the petty kind that drains the soul and leaves you feeling in need of urgent confession in church. The kind which, should the rapture take place at this very point, you will be left behind with the mass murderers and serial killers of this world. I’m talking about the petty kind of gossip whose sole aim is to tear apart someone just because you don’t like them, resent them, or hold a grudge against them.
What we were engaging in is the ‘healthy’ kind, the one where you realise, with immense relief, that yours is not a unique burden, that ‘mko wengi’, meaning that many of you are sailing in the same boat.
For instance, a group of you may be going through a tough economic phase, several of you may be first-time parents to opinionated teenagers testing your patience every two days, or a couple of you realise that every home, not just yours, in the block of flats you live in has a cockroach infestation, therefore, to your immense relief, the cockroaches in your house are not an indictment on your cleanliness.
Anyway, by the time we were done baring our hearts, our tense shoulders had sagged with relief since the load we had been carrying felt much lighter. This is what happens when you work up the courage to uncork bottled-up emotions. You give yourself a chance to benefit from the advantages of shared despair or frustration.
When you’re going through something difficult, there is a tendency to feel as if you’re the only one going through such pain, but once you share what you’re feeling, you realise that others have, or are going through something similar. Hearing others express the same experiences also reassures you that what you are feeling is normal, and that there is nothing wrong with you.
Through experience, I’ve also learned that expressing yourself and being vulnerable with others can lead to worthwhile friendships or lasting relationships. This is because most people tend to gravitate towards people that they have something in common with. There is nothing as painful and demoralising as going through something alone. Sharing it, I once heard someone say, halves the pain, making it more bearable.
According to several studies, globally, women live longer than men by about five to seven years. One explanation for this has to do with biological and genetic factors, another the fact that women are more likely than men to go to hospital when they feel unwell or for routine check-ups. Research also shows that men historically hold a higher proportion of high-risk jobs, such as military service and construction, where there is a higher rate of fatal accidents.
You have also probably heard that men have a higher rate of mental health issues and are more likely to commit suicide. This has been attributed to reluctance to seek help as well as stigma and social norms that demand ‘manning-up’, self-reliance, and emotional suppression. Also, men are less likely than women to share their distress or seek help for it.
And, of, course, weaker or lack of support networks that would enable them to forge close friendships that come in handy in times of hardship or a crisis. It is, therefore, encouraging to see men set up deliberate forums curated for themselves that seek to break these barriers.
More and more men are also forming chamas that bring them together regularly, and in these spaces, they are learning to open up and talk about matters that they may have found embarrassing to talk about in the past. Here’s to uncorking pent-up emotions.
