The idea of love languages comes from a book by Gary Chapman, who described five different ways that couples give and experience love. His ideas haven’t been tested by research, but many couples find them very useful.
Chapman argued that we have a preferred love language used for expressing and receiving love, and that there’s a good chance that you and your partner’s love languages are different, so understanding each other’s love language is a good way to improve your relationship.
The first of these is words of affirmation, such as compliments or appreciation. If that’s your partner’s preferred love language, then they need to hear words like ‘I love you’, ‘You look really good!’ While negative comments cut deep and are never forgotten.
The second is quality time. Giving each other your undivided attention, whether sitting on the sofa, taking a walk, or having a meal together. Focusing on a partner whose preferred love language is quality time means they feel good. Only half listening to them or postponing dates is deeply resented.
If your partner’s preferred love language is receiving gifts, then they appreciate thoughtful presents. It doesn’t matter how big or how small. What matters is that the gifts show that you’re thinking of them.
Acts of service means doing things you know your spouse would like, such as cooking them a meal or taking the trash out. People who prefer this language don’t cope well with broken promises or laziness.
Physical touch is another powerful way of communicating love in a relationship, such as holding hands, kissing or hugging. When physical touch is your primary love language, you feel unloved without it. With it, you feel secure.
Couples rarely realise that they and their partner are using different love languages, and so they’re confused by their poor response. So it really helps to figure out each other’s preferences. If your spouse often cuddles up to you, then theirs is probably receiving touch. Or words of affirmation if their face lights up whenever you compliment them.
So think about the way you express your love for your partner, especially if there are many times when something you do or say doesn’t work out well.
And in future consciously use your partner’s love language to show your love for them, especially if it’s not your usual approach.
You should also positively encourage your partner to use your preferred love language! Just reward them with a smile every time they do. Or a touch, or compliment. Before you know it, they’ll have started to love you the way you like.
Above all, talk about how you communicate your love for one another. Talk about moments when an expression of love was missed or misinterpreted.
And start saying ‘I love you’ a lot more! Words of affirmation may not be your primary love language, or your partner’s, but learning how to say ‘I love you’ a lot more always improves a relationship!
