You can only attract an authentic relationship when you're authentic yourself.
Hi Zulu,
I'm 26, I just finished my master's and got a decent job. I have been single for four years now. Although I can afford to live in a better neighbourhood and drive a nice car, I fear this lifestyle might intimidate potential suitors. Should I lie low until I get a man?
You can only attract an authentic relationship when you're authentic yourself. If you play small, you'll attract people who are comfortable with that false role you'll be playing. When you switch back to yourself, you'll lose them.
So yes, growing up when you're single can be scary because it appears like you're outgrowing all single people.
What matters is that you balance your growth and your seasons. Before 25, you should grow individually with no romantic involvements whatsoever. You should interact with people freely and form quality relationships that help you evolve personally and professionally.
You said you've been single for four years, and that's the most frustrating thing to hear from a person who seems keen on self-development. It shows that you're clueless about your seasons of life.
You only attained the age of psychological maturity less than two years ago. Before that, you were not single, you were growing.
Why hasn't it occurred to you that you need to acquire the right knowledge and skills for dating?
Also Read: Should I go back to my ex-husband?
If you were so intentional in building your career to such an extent as studying for your master's, why are you not training for dating?
You couldn't get the good job you have by guesswork. How do you hope to get a good marriage by guesswork? This issue is widespread in Africa, and it defies logic.
One day, I met my two friends for a catch-up after a whole year of not seeing each other. We didn't know that this meeting would be the most fateful of all our years of friendship since college.
It had been a couple of years since we left law school, and we were all in our beginner jobs. One guy was a company secretary, the other one had just set up his law firm one year before. I had branched off into psychology, and I had just started practice in partnership with some friends.
Our next agenda was marriage and starting families. We were exactly where you are in life. Our futures looked bright, but we needed to make another pivotal decision of choosing life mates.
The one thing we did, which I beseech you to do, is to not be casual with such a potent decision.
When we alighted from the taxi, we met a guy selling pineapples on a cart. We ordered one but asked him to choose the right one for us. To our surprise, he bypassed all the good-looking pineapples and reached underneath.
He picked one that wasn't appealing to the eyes, but when he peeled and served it to us, we were taken by surprise. It was so delicious. Overcome with curiosity, we asked him how he had known it would be so good. He gave us a piece of wisdom that we instantly knew that applied to our search for life partners as well.
'Don't be deceived by looks. Some look bright because they grew up facing the sun. But taste comes from the amount of juice inside. The ones that grew in abundance of water may not look shiny, but they're very rich and tasty. That's why you should sound them out to hear what's inside.'
Our conclusion was this: if something as simple as choosing a pineapple required such technical and insider knowledge, how much more would it be to choose something as serious as a partner?
We resolved that for the next year or so, we would educate ourselves on matters of dating and love, women and marriage. We would exchange material and tag each other in seminars and other relevant meetings. Today, we're all happily married.
I suggest you follow the same route. Invest in learning. Equip yourself through exposure and expertise from coaches and counsellors. If you don't do this, you'll join the large group of women who have flourishing careers but miserable love lives.
They were diligent in building themselves for careers, but they were negligent in building themselves for marriage. They earn, but they can't invest in learning. They hope to get by with feelings and assumptions.
I hope you allow your end goals to lead your life rather than your ego. Ego says, 'I know it all. Nobody can tell me anything.' End goals, on the other hand, say, 'Whatever it takes, I must achieve. I will pay the price and get the knowledge needed to win.' Lastly, remember that in sports, every winning champion always has a coach. Life is also a championship of sorts. If you want to win, normalise getting yourself coaches.
