This story goes all the way to Jamaica to trace the origins of the term “baby mama”.
It was around 1966 when the term was first used, but today it is commonplace. The Jamaican slang found a way of labelling the women who have children with men they are not officially married to.
A man with children by different women out of wedlock is often described as having “baby mamas”; and himself as a “baby daddy”.
The term may have changed, but has the reality? In more traditional terms, the same man would simply be called a polygamist.
So, is he a baby daddy or a polygamist?
Between those two descriptions is a contested space, and therein lie numerous celebrities. They include comedian Oga Obinna (Steve Maghana), who has four children with three different women. Gengetone artiste Miracle Baby (Peter Mwangi) has at least four children with four different women. Then there is Tanzanian musician Diamond Platnumz (Nasibu Abdul Juma) with his children, who number at least four, with at least three known women.
Internationally, these examples include Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, who had a real-time net worth of $917 billion (Sh118.5 trillion) by noon on July 13, according to Forbes. The US-based trillionaire has 14 children with four different women, including his former wife Justine Wilson, musician Grimes and Neuralink executive Shivon Zilis. Musk has publicly expressed concern about declining birth rates, which has led observers to read his large family through the lens of his stated views on population.
Still in the US, another famous example is entertainer Nick Cannon, who is a father of 12 children with six women. Cannon has said in past interviews that every child was made out of love, while also acknowledging that, with hindsight and therapy, he might have approached some choices differently.
Are these men redefining polygamy as it was known? In interviews that Nation Lifestyle had with Kenyan men who are in “baby mama” situations, asking them whether they are in polygamous marriages, the perspectives were varied.
Kenyan actor Robert Agengo.
Photo credit: Pool
Robert Agengo, an actor, has six children with five women. One woman has two of his children while the other four have different mothers.
Agengo stresses that he does not believe in marriage. In the same breath, he does not consider himself polygamous. His position is shaped by a past relationship that he says ended despite his attempts to preserve it.
“I even shaved my dreadlocks and paid dowry for her, but she still left me. I would never trust living with a woman,” he says.
Since then, he says he has preferred “open” relationships.
“I don’t subscribe to marriage or relationships in the modern sense. I don’t believe in marriage. I wouldn’t say I’m polygamous, I’m just a free man,” says Agengo.
However, he argues that if marriage must exist, polygamy makes more sense than monogamy.
“Marriage cannot work with just two people; that’s just a fantasy. People love to believe that, but in reality, it’s natural for people to have other attractions,” says the actor.
He adds that he deliberately chooses not to live with any of the mothers of his children, saying the arrangement gives everyone the space they need and reduces unnecessary conflict. In his world, relationships thrive when there are fewer expectations.
“I cannot be peaceful in marriage because there are a lot of expectations. For me, relationships don’t need titles. As long as we have a connection, it continues.”
He confesses that he has maintained intimate relationships with some women for more than 20 years without ever defining the relationship.
“We are just intimate, nothing else. Those are some of my best relationships because there are no expectations.”
Addressing concerns about raising children across different households, Agengo says each of the mothers supports herself financially, insisting he does what he can for his children.
“I am a parent, and I take care of the children as much as I can.”
He also reveals that the mothers of his children do not fight over him because he keeps his relationships separate.
“I don’t introduce them to each other, but they come to my house and spend nights there. They can come to my house and, sometimes, I go to theirs.”
On protecting himself from sexually transmitted infections, Agengo says he is selective about the people he becomes intimate with.
“It’s not that I’m always with people, and it’s not just anybody. I make choices, and I believe I make the right ones.”
Asked whether he would like to have more children, the actor says he is open to the idea.
“I don’t mind. If I have six, I can get more. What’s the difference now?” he poses.
Karangu Muraya: ‘No, I am not a polygamist’
For Karangu Muraya, the Akorino Kikuyu gospel artiste, the distinction is clear. He says he has five children by three women and currently has a second wife, but no child with her.
His argument is that the mothers of some of his children moved on and married other people, meaning he cannot reasonably be described as their husband.
“I will never marry their mothers,” he says.
“She is not my baby mama; she is someone’s wife, but the child is mine and I decided to take care of them. I can’t be termed polygamous because of that,” Karangu argues.
Karangu says public attention magnifies his situation, and that it pushes him to be present in his children’s lives.
“I don’t want my child to see me on TV and her mother tells her I am her father and she doesn’t even know me. I want her to know me not just on TV, but as a responsible father. I don’t want my child to go to a bad school, yet I can take them to a good school,” he says.
He insists he is not polygamous simply because he has children with different mothers, adding that openness has helped him own up to his past and act responsibly.
“I only have three baby mamas. Not many. We are being crucified because we are in the limelight. But there are many people who have many children and some are not even taking care of them,” says Karangu.
Dr Ofweneke: ‘The child must always be the winner’
Comedian, Dr. Ofweneke. PHOTO| FILE
Comedian Dr Ofweneke (real name Sande Bush) rejects both the label “polygamous” and the term “baby mama”.
“I’m not a polygamous man. I only have mothers for my children,” he says.
His dislike for the term “baby mana’” he says, is because it was “coined out of pain and broken, dramatic relationships”.
“We are on very good terms with the two amazing women who have given birth to my children,” he says. “None of my children was born out of a marriage set up. All those children, my three girls, were born within. I have a lot of respect for the two of them because we are coexisting peacefully.”
“The two of them are actually very good friends. They respect my wife, and my wife equally respects them. The children normally come to my place to spend time with their other mum,” says Dr Ofweneke.
On the cost of raising children across households, Ofweneke is blunt: the child must be the winner and the parents must be ready to sacrifice.
“If the child being with the mum will make the child win, then the man must be willing to sacrifice. If the child being with the father will make the child win, then the mother must be willing to sacrifice,” he says.
“I feel like my children have not lost anything because they know they can always come to their father anytime. They know their other mum, who is my wife, will always embrace them. So, my children have not lost anything at all.”
He says he does not see school fees, upkeep or the demands of multiple homes as a burden, because fatherhood is his responsibility.
“When you impregnate a woman, you expect a child. So the moment you’re falling off that bed, as a man, you must already start doing the calculations,” says Ofweneke.
“My children must enjoy the best of life. They must go to the best schools that I didn’t go to. So, for me, I don’t really see it as having cost implications. It is my responsibility. I might have failed in being a husband to their mothers, but I cannot fail in being a father to them. So, I don’t look at it from a point of cost implication. I look at it from me just playing my role as a father.”
“I don’t even enter their houses. I don’t believe in sleeping with a lady once you end the relationship,” he says.
He adds, “Women are delicate. The moment you sleep with her, she thinks that you guys are back together. And now she goes back into rebuilding the dreams she had before you guys separated. Now, it becomes an emotional burden to you as a man. You find men going back to their exes not because they love them, but because they don’t want to disappoint the dreams which are being recreated.”
Having boundaries, he says, also avoids giving children false hope that their parents are reuniting.
“I don’t flirt with them. We are friends, yes. We talk about each other’s well-being and the well-being of the children, and if there’s anything that they need,” he says.
“It’s because I also respect my wife. She’s the woman in my life now and until death do us part. So, she also needs to be respected in this conversation. I would never want her to have to fight for her position with a woman from my past.”
Asked about examples set by other men in “baby mama” situations like Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, Ofweneke says it all depends on the value system a man is operating from.
“My value system is very simple: I can’t raise a child with a woman I don’t love. So, I cannot impregnate a woman I don’t love,” he says, adding that he studies the emotional maturity of the women he courts.
“What works for me is that a child must be born to two people who love each other. I don’t impregnate for the sake of convenience and population,” notes Ofweneke.
A historian’s perspective
Dr Kenneth Ombongi of the Department of History and Archaeology at the University of Nairobi says the mere fact that a man has children with two or more women does not, historically or sociologically, make him polygamous. “Polygamy, more precisely polygyny in most African societies, is a recognised marital institution in which one man is socially, culturally, and often legally married to more than one wife at the same time,” says Dr Ombongi.
Dr Kenneth Ombongi is a senior lecturer at the University of Nairobi.
Photo credit: File | Nation Media Group
He notes that polygamy comes in two forms: polygyny where a man marries more than one wife and polyandry where a woman has more than one husband.
A polygamous system, he adds, carries acknowledged rights, obligations, responsibilities and kinship structures.
In cases where men father multiple children with different women outside recognised marital arrangements, Dr Ombongi observes that the better term to use is “multiple-partner fertility”, or “serial and concurrent relationships” depending on the circumstances.
“While the biological outcome may resemble polygyny in terms of offspring, the social institution is fundamentally different. Traditional African polygyny was embedded within systems of family organisation, inheritance, mutual obligations, and community recognition. Having children with multiple women without those recognised marital bonds does not automatically place a man within that historical institution,” Dr Ombongi says.
