Jane called me at 2 am. Such calls are usually alarming for a doctor because, in most cases, they are distress calls from medical emergencies. I responded promptly, prepared for anything.
“I'm tired of these bedroom wars. I think I should just quit this marriage,” Jane said, sounding exasperated.
The couple had just had a fight. Her husband accused her of being insensitive and mean. The dispute was over her refusal to have sex that night.
The couple had been visiting my clinic since they got married. Now, in their ninth year of marriage, each year brought new challenges. Sex coaching always helped whenever these issues arose. After their wedding, they couldn’t have sex because they lacked intimacy skills. The coaching sessions helped them navigate these challenges and understand each other’s needs. Then came pregnancy, delivery, and childcare, which brought in fresh misunderstandings, but we worked through it. Or so I thought.
“This knowledge and expertise that you have given us on sex is now becoming a problem again,” Jane said, “Andrew wants sex every day and not once, sometimes three or four times a night!”
Anytime she turned Andrew’s advances down, they would have bitter quarrels. That night was one of those occasions. The arguments were becoming more frequent. She was fed up. We agreed to meet at the clinic at dawn.
I arrived at 7.30 am, and the couple was already waiting. There was a noticeable tension between them. They had been shouting at each other all night. Jane’s eyes were red from lack of sleep and crying.
Both Jane and Andrew had demanding jobs. They arrived home late and exhausted each night, usually after 7pm. Their firstborn was eight, and the second was six. The children had homework they needed help with, and sometimes they would be fussy as is normal for children that age. Such evenings demanded attention from Andrew and Jane, who were already worn out. On some nights, the children would show up at their bedroom door, knocking relentlessly after lights out.
Jane was always anxious, and she found it strange that Andrew had energy and desire for sex almost every night.
“Well, the solution to this might be scheduling your intimate moments,” I suggested, aiming for a practical fix.
“What? You mean like having a timetable for sex?” Andrew asked, frowning.
Yes, that was exactly what I meant. It might sound unromantic to schedule intimacy, but it helps maintain long-term relationships. Often, the schedule isn’t written down, but couples know the day and time for their encounters. It’s better if they discuss and agree on the schedule.
“But that sounds very unromantic! It’s better when it’s spontaneous,” Andrew exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration.
Having a schedule is like an extension of foreplay. It allows for psychological readiness. When one needs to get a condom or other protection, scheduling works well and prevents sexual accidents.
“Isn’t it romantic to call each other during the day to remind and build anticipation? Wouldn’t you want to dress nicely, put on perfume, and prepare your body for your partner on the big day?” I asked rhetorically.
Many couples in successful relationships find that romance by appointment keeps them going. Without some obligation to meet, days turn into months and then years without sex. Sexless couples often find reasons to fight, covering their frustrations. Those with love appointments spend time planning to make the next encounter more meaningful.
For partners with differing desires, scheduling can be reassuring. The higher-demand partner knows the day will come soon and can stay patient. The lower-desire partner gains the courage to fulfil their duty.
Two months passed after our session, and neither Jane nor Andrew contacted me for feedback. Then, one morning, they entered the clinic together again.
“That’s trouble,” I whispered to myself, worried things might not have worked.
“We just thought we should come to thank you,” Jane said. “Our marriage was nearly falling apart—you saved it.”
They then explained how they implemented the timetable, how exciting it was to wait for the right day, how they prepared, and how each encounter became more enriching.
“And we made sure that the timetable also allows us to give our children enough attention and that they’re asleep before we focus on our own needs,” Andrew added, smiling.
They also decided to have a night out every three months away from home to be more intentional with their efforts and do things they couldn’t manage within their small house. As they walked away holding hands, it was clear to me that passion by appointment is the way forward in today’s busy world.
