Many couples are unable to express their concerns when they are in a sexless marriage.
I was caught off guard by James and Agnes. I should have picked up some cues from the way James behaved before they came to the clinic, but I did not. He booked appointments three times but did not appear in the clinic.
The fourth time is when he came but was late and even then, his wife threatened to leave if they could not be attended to immediately.
James and Agnes are a couple in their early 40s. They had been married for 17 years and had three children. Agnes was threatening to leave the marriage.
“We have not been sexual, it is affecting our marriage,” James said.
“We have talked to a number of friends as well as a pastor and James has refused to change,” Agnes said shaking with anger. “I am not ready for another talk without action, I am not even sure what I am doing here.”
My attempt to get a coherent history of the case was impossible. Agnes kept shouting. Whenever James tried explaining the problem she interjected and told him to look for another woman to frustrate because she had decided to leave the marriage.
“So are you giving him medicine to have sex with me or not?” she asked sternly looking at me in the face.
I nodded and said that we would sort the issue. She kept quiet for a minute, fetched her handkerchief from her bag, wiped tears which were welling up her eyes, stood and walked out, leaving me with James.
James explained that they had not been sexual for a year. The tension had been building up. They could no longer have a constructive conversation.
Life was hostile in the house, and he had been coming home late to find Agnes asleep so as to avoid confrontation. Agnes suddenly stormed the consultation room as we were talking and started shouting again.
“Can you come out and drive me home?” She said, “You can come back and talk to your doctor after, I need to go pack my things and leave your house, I have had enough.”
That was the end of the consultation. The couple left and continued shouting at each other in the corridors as they walked towards the car.
Feeling of rejection
This incident typifies what a woman in a sexless relationship goes through. The overriding emotion is anger. Anger is used to mask more difficult emotions and feelings.
Deep inside is the feeling of rejection. When sex is not happening, the woman wonders why the man has lost interest in her. She wonders whether she is no longer beautiful. More hurting is that the man deeply knows her, and this makes her feel very vulnerable because he can hurt her at the deepest level.
There is a feeling of loneliness. The woman feels less feminine. She is confused about her body image and may stop taking care of her looks. She loses self-worth and confidence.
To remain sane, the woman may look for validation elsewhere. She may get emotionally attached to someone else. There is risk of infidelity. This annoys her even more because it may be against her values to cheat. She remembers that she is in this state because her man has failed her in bed. This makes her angrier.
There is a high risk of mental health problems at this point. The woman loses sleep, feels lonely, tension continues to build up. She is easily irritated.
Communication with the man gets more difficult. Depression and anxiety are common. Most women will think of leaving the marriage to regain their sanity. Dissatisfaction with the relationship is at its peak.
This situation can be arrested if couples are aware of dangers ahead. If your relationship is sliding into sexlessness you should quickly act. A sexless marriage is a situation where a couple has sex less than 10 times in a year. This translates to less than once a month. It means that there are months that pass without sex happening even once.
Of course, frequency of sex does vary across ages and is couple specific but if a month passes and you had opportunities to be intimate but did nothing then you should be worried and quickly take corrective measures.
Many couples are unable to express their concerns when in this situation. They cannot talk openly about it and when they do it is normally in a harsh tone with nasty words. Talking is much more difficult for couples that do not give feedback in the days when sex is good. Learning to say something nice in a friendly tone about your sexual feelings is the beginning of resolving sexlessness in relationships.
If you are already in this quagmire, your only saviour is therapy. Getting a trained professional in this area is key. Remember that your very good friend, wedding best man or best maid or even your pastor may not have the skills needed to resolve this complex issue and may complicate issues further.
