It is normal for parents to feel disappointed when their daughters make sexual decisions that are contrary to their expectations.
There was drama at the Sexology Clinic on Monday last week. Wendy and her mother, Jane, were shouting at each other in the waiting bay, disrupting the peace of other patients.
Wendy is 17 years old. Her mother forced her to come to the clinic because she found a condom and an emergency contraceptive pill in her school bag. Her mother called her a harlot and good for nothing. Wendy shouted back and threatened to leave home and stay with her boyfriend whom she said was the only person who cared for her in the world.
I asked the receptionist to usher them into the consultation ahead of everyone else to limit the disruption,
“I occasionally go to her room and check her clothes and books,” her mother said when they settled down. “I found a condom and emergency contraceptive pill tacked up in the Bible pages and the Bible well zipped.”
Wendy’s mother was not only worried that she was having sex, but that she dared to hide such items in the holy book.
“So how can I help?” I asked, drawing their attention back to the reason they had come to the clinic.
“Tell her to behave. Stop her from pretending to be holy yet she has a devil’s mind,” Jane retorted.
“You keep shaming me in front of people but you cohabited with my father in your campus days,” Wendy shot back.
The mother sprang to her feet ready to land a hot slap on her daughter but I intervened and begged them to calm down.
“This kind of misunderstanding is why so many young girls get pregnant and acquire HIV during the school holidays,” I said spontaneously.
“Tell my mother that everyone has sex feelings and that it is fine to have a boyfriend,” Wendy interjected.
It is important to note that out of every 100 girls aged 15 to 19 years old in Kenya, 15 will get pregnant this year. Many of the pregnancies happen during the school holidays and the festive season. Further, while HIV infection rates have been reducing generally among other age groups, infections in adolescent girls keep rising. I shared these stats calmly.
“And that is what my daughter does not understand,” Jane interjected, “she is having sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry.”
Experiment with sex
“My mother would rather that I don’t use a condom and the emergency pill so that I fall victim to the problems you are talking about doctor. I will not listen to her,” Wendy shouted back.
I continued steadily, addressing the mother.
“It is important to note that at adolescent, the urge to experiment with sex is heightened due to hormones. Stories abound of relatively reasonable people who eloped, abandoning their families, because of this natural push. The desire to fall in love and have sex is normal as hormones take control of adolescents and teens. Can you imagine if your teenage girl passed the teenage years and went into her mid and late twenties without ever feeling sexual? You would bring her to the hospital for medical check. All parents should therefore feel happy that their girls have sexual feelings.”
In an ideal world, a mother and her daughter would openly discuss these feelings and agree on how to manage them safely.
However, the issue of values, whether religious or cultural, plays into the complex equation.
Depending on people’s beliefs and how the young person has been socialised, they will make their sexual decisions, in many cases in consultation with their peers rather than parents.
“My mother has never talked to me about sex. I have learnt what to do on my own. Please reassure her that I will not get pregnant, and I will not get HIV,” Wendy said.
“I don’t want you to have sex, period!” Jane said with finality, shaking with rage, “Those men you are sleeping with are misusing you, you are a sex object to them, nothing good comes out of those sex escapades.”
“If she ever has sex, would you allow her to use a condom?” I asked Jane to which she went quiet.
“I use the condom all the time,” Wendy said, “I carry the emergency pill just in case the condom bursts then I can take it, but it has never happened.”
“So, it is not even that you are intending to have sex, you have been having sex all over the place?” Jane asked frowning, her gaze fixed to the horizon, avoiding eye contact with Wendy, “I have failed as a parent.”
It is normal for parents to feel disappointed when their daughters make sexual decisions that are contrary to their expectations.
The decision-making is however, a culmination of many experiences the young person has had – their knowledge of sexuality, family values, relationship quality with parents, peer influence, social media, etc.
Recreating trust and communication on the sensitive topic rather than acrimony and insults is what is needed to help the young person navigate through their sexuality and help in preventing unwanted pregnancies, HIV, school dropout and child marriage, which are likely to spiral during this school holiday and festive season.
