The sexology clinic recently opened a toll-free line for people to consult on sexual issues, and the trend in complaints is worrying: Most callers are men. They are worried and anxious about their potency and adequacy in bed. They believe that they are not sexually satisfying their wives.
“Can you give me medicine to make my erections strong? I am feeble and do not last long, and my wife is not happy with me,” said one caller.
“My wife wants more sex than I can manage, please help me before she looks outside for satisfaction,” said another. “I panic when time for going home comes,” explained another. “The thought of facing my wife in bed scares me stiff. I stay out late with the hope of finding her asleep.”
There is clearly a struggle among couples in the bedroom that occasionally blows up and leads to marital disharmony. It shakes the very foundation on which marriages are founded.
Sexologically speaking, it puts into question the reason why people have sex in the first place. It appears that most couples are doing it to score a goal – perhaps to prove a point to the partner by physically subduing them and having them achieve orgasm through penetrative sex.
For them, it is about being heroic. If this goal is not met, they feel inadequate, or they are made to feel inadequate by their partners. Unfortunately, this is contrary to the principles of healthy sexuality. No wonder the discontent.
Healthy sexuality is about pleasure. Pleasure is not necessarily derived from physical penetration. It could be from touching, caressing, massaging or kissing. Take your time to enjoy the pleasure of these. Do the same for your partner. And, it does not always have to end with penetrative sex.
The fixation with penetrative sex exposes the deficit in skills that most couples suffer from. People do not know what to do sexually. As one lady put it a while ago, they copulate like chickens, chasing each other naked, and the moment they get hold of each other, they are vigorous but short-lived, and this leaves both of them wondering what this was all about!
The unsatisfactory bout is followed by a time of disappointment and blame, a second mistake many couples make. When unsatisfactory sex happens, it is neither the man nor the woman who is at fault.
Consensual sex is a shared responsibility. Couples should endeavour to provide their best to each other so that at the end of it, they feel grateful that they played their roles.
Always remember to thank your partner for the effort; complaining only kills the ego of your partner and creates anxiety that could be dangerous in the long term.
But the other peculiar thing in these unsatisfactory bouts of sex is the lack of communication. In fact, it is amazing that when communication happens, many times it is negative.
The most common sentence during sex talk among couples is: “What is wrong with you, you are hurting me!” or “If this is how you want to do it I would rather not have it again,” or “behave or I will stop.”
Others start stories that distract their partner from paying attention to the act. They talk about investment, stress at work, children and other non-romantic subjects.
These may be good discussions, but why bring them up at the time of an intimate connection? What this does is cause frustration in your partner when they want to be intimate with you.
Even more hurtful is the involvement of third parties in your bedroom matters. If you really have to discuss your inadequacies or sex problems, do it with a professional with the intention of getting help.
What does it help when you go telling your women friends that your husband is boring in bed? What does it benefit a man who tells his friends how his wife is a mess in bed while they drink and watch football? This is the shortest route to destroying your marriage.
Finally, be cautious about taking medicine to enhance your performance. Medicine definitely does have a place in a limited number of diagnoses. Most cases of sex problems, however, do not require medicine.
Just by fixing the difficulties in the relationship, things do get back to normal. There is always a silent power struggle in long-term relationships that leads to frustration and built-in anger.
As this continues without intervention, the couple’s sex life begins to be affected. Wise couples notice these struggles in good time and seek help. By the time sex is affected, normally, a lot of damage has been done.
