Jane did the unthinkable recently. She brought an extra bed to the master bedroom and left her husband to sleep alone. This caused a major conflict in the marriage.
“He called my father that night asking him to force me to go back to his bed,” Jane says. “He blamed me of infidelity, that I was sleeping with other men and so did not want to be near him.”
The next day, Jane was called by her pastor. Her husband had reported her ‘unusual behaviour’. She was called to church for urgent counselling.
The couple, now in their mid-40s and married for 13 years with two children, had been in a relatively happy relationship until this incident. I was therefore interested to know why Jane took this unusual step.
“Sleep deprivation. I have persistent headaches, I cannot concentrate at work, I simply do not get enough sleep,” Jane said.
She attributed her lack of sleep to her husband’s worsening snoring problem. Further, her husband of late farts a lot and the bad smell awakens her in the middle of the night.
“That bed is no longer tolerable,” she says. “I keep waking up as his snoring takes a new frequency and this happens almost every 30 minutes and then a foul fart gets into the mix, it is impossible to sleep.”
Joseph, Jane’s husband, has however taken a different tangent, claiming that his wife no longer loves him and has been behaving suspiciously.
He says she has a bunch of divorced women friends and he suspects that they are misleading her. He is convinced that Jane is in an extramarital affair and is planning to divorce him.
The issue of bed-sharing among married couples is a hushed subject in many families. Some couples want to sleep in separate beds but fear bringing up the topic or taking the step. In some families, it is taboo to even imagine that after marriage you can sleep apart. In fact, in some marriages the rule is to sleep stark naked and having a night dress or pyjama can lead to serious disagreements, leave alone thinking of separating beds.
The tradition of couples sleeping on the same bed is even engraved in the design of houses. There is normally one master bedroom with one bed in the design. The expectation to sleep together is social, cultural, and is sometimes reinforced by religion.
Of course, not all religions are the same in this matter. Some religions advocate for men and women to separate beds during menstruation. Others allow separation in times of conflict in the relationship until an amicable resolution is reached.
Some cultures allow for separate beds when the woman is lactating. Others also allow for separation in serious illness. In some African cultures the separation was allowed after the woman reached menopause, possibly in the false belief that a menopausal woman did not enjoy sex.
Across the world, however, there has been a progressive move towards having separate master bedrooms or separate beds in the same bedroom for married couples.
Recent studies show that one in four couples in America do not share beds. In Europe the ratio is one in three couples. The average in the whole world is 30 to 40 per cent of married people sleeping apart. The ratios are highest in Japan where 70 per cent of couples who have had at least one child sleep apart while 25 per cent of those yet to get children sleep apart.
The driving factor towards the separation of beds or bedrooms is the need for adequate, undisturbed sleep. People want to wake up fresh and be productive at work. In addition to snoring and farting which disturb the sleep of bed mates, people have different needs for temperature when they sleep, others wanting heavy and others light blankets. Some people also enjoy early sleep and early rising while others have opposite needs.
Be that as it may, there are many benefits of sleeping together. For one, it synchronises the sleep of the couple, and this can increase sleep quality. Secondly, it offers opportunities each day for the couple to have a private talking time, either before falling asleep or on waking up.
Further, there is relaxation and improved intimate connection, especially when couples cuddle and do this repeatedly with their skins touching. Overall, research has shown that sharing a bed can reduce anxiety and improve relationship satisfaction.
“I am now confused,” Jane interjected. “Is it better to separate beds or are there more benefits in sharing?”
Well, the couple needs to agree on a healthy balance. You need good sleep to keep healthy and this may be enhanced by sleeping apart but complete separation of beds or bedrooms also kills intimacy and reduces satisfaction with the relationship, increasing anxiety and conflict.
A couple needs to agree on how often to sleep apart and under what circumstances if they find full time bed sharing to be unsustainable, socio-cultural and religious demands notwithstanding.
