I once attended a work summit where, as you would expect at such an event, almost every man was dressed in a suit. It was an official engagement, after all. But amid the sea of suits, one man caught my eye. He was what you might call an old boy, and somehow, I suspect that is exactly how he would prefer to be described.
He wore a blue-striped suit, a crisp white shirt and no tie. His grey hair was neatly trimmed, and the suit fitted him so well that I found myself wondering how often he hit the gym. Four or five days a week would have been my immediate guess.
Then there was his watch. I think it was an Orient automatic open-heart. To be honest, I could not identify it just by looking at his wrist. I had to Google it, huh! I suspect it was the OW-TAG03002BO, although that is only my assumption.
Add a good fragrance to the mix and, honestly, what is not to admire? Nothing beats a man who smells good. Perhaps that is part of what makes the silver fox so fascinating.
For some women, however, the attraction goes beyond grey hair, fine watches and a well-built physique. It is about a man who knows who he is, understands what he wants and has spent years building a life he can be proud of.
A majority of these men in their late 40s to 60s, are financially established and are seeking attention and affection from younger women.
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“I am married with three children, and I love my husband, but truth be told, he is no silver fox. That does not mean I will leave my marriage. I just appreciate the silver fox boys who, even in their 50s, still look fresh and clean.”
“There is just something about a man who still takes care of his body, dresses well and has not allowed age to become an excuse to stop making an effort. It is just like how women are taking care of themselves because nowadays, as a woman, if you are not careful, you will be the only old-looking one among your peers,” she adds.
Part of the attraction, women say, is the impression that such a man has figured out a few things about life.
“A silver fox would definitely be living a luxurious life. You cannot be one if you don't have money.”
She adds that there is also a practical side to this admiration. A woman considering marriage may be looking beyond chemistry to the kind of life a potential partner can offer. Can he take responsibility? Does he have a sense of direction? Has he built a stable foundation on which two people can build together?
If you are wondering what a silver fox looks like, think of Horace Bellarie in Tyler Perry's Beauty in Black, played by Ricco Ross. Horace is a wealthy patriarch of the Bellarie family, a businessman whose money and power place him at the centre of the family empire. He is the kind of man who embodies the polished, established image that many women associate with a silver fox.
He is also the kind of man who makes you understand what Stellah Noel*, 28, means when she talks about silver foxes.
Stellah admits she has never dated a silver fox, but that has done little to dampen her enthusiasm. If anything, the possibility seems to excite her.
“I love silver foxes. I have never been with one, but I am always open to the idea of dating one. Any chance I would get, I would even agree to be a second wife to him,” she says.
Her candid confession may raise a few eyebrows, but Stellah is unapologetic about what she finds attractive.
“I like how these men dress, how they carry themselves and the impression that they know what they are doing, even professionally. They know who they are,” she says.
Listening to her, it is easy to understand her fascination with what life alongside such a man might look like. There is romance in the picture, but also a desire for a life that feels expansive.
“People say marriages are hard, but I feel if you have such a man, he would literally make your life interesting. Aside from the fact that there is love and children, I feel he would make your life purposeful. He will make you enjoy pleasures like travelling the world because, I mean, what is a silver fox without money, without being wealthy?” she says.
But while women may have their own ideas about what makes a silver fox attractive, how do the men themselves feel about the attention?
At 56, Karl John* says he does not quite understand what all the fuss is about. He would rather describe himself as a good-looking older man than a silver fox.
Looking good is nothing new for Mr Karl. It began in his 20s, during his rugby days, when keeping fit was part of the routine.
“I have been keeping fit since my rugby days. I may not be playing rugby now, but I have maintained that lifestyle. I go to the gym five days a week, and I have also learnt to eat well. You get used to it, and eventually it becomes part of who you are,” he says.
For Mr Karl, fitness is a way of life, and perhaps that explains why he continues to maintain his physique well into his 50s.
Each generation has a derogatory term for young people who are strong-willed and “sexually liberated
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“I have even introduced my son, who is still in his 20s, to training, hoping I will be able to pass on the discipline that has served me well over the years.”
Dressing well and smelling good are equally important to him. However, he is quick to point out that looking presentable does not require an expensive wardrobe or a luxury car.
“I don't drive the most expensive car, and I don't wear the most expensive clothes or shoes. I just know how to dress well. I think people sometimes assume that if an older man looks good, he must be wealthy or trying to impress younger women. Sometimes, it is just a lifestyle you have built over the years,” he says.
However, the attention has also exposed him to what he describes as some unusual behaviour. He recalls several instances, but one that stood out happened during a weekend outing with friends. A woman around his age bought him a bottle, a gesture that caught him off guard.
“Young women approaching me is like a custom to me. But you know, traditionally, you are used to seeing men buying women drinks, so when a woman does it for you, it feels a little unusual. You start wondering what has changed,” he laughs.
He says he is still unsure whether the attention comes from his age, appearance or the confidence that comes with years of taking care of himself.
“What I have also noticed is that people sometimes treat me differently, even in formal settings, where I find my interactions with women to be very smooth.”
“I am a retired banker, and I have several businesses. I am married with three children, my two daughters and a son, and I have no intention of adding another wife. You have to know where you stand as a man because if you don't, you can create problems in your marriage,” he laughs.
For all the attention, he admits that being perceived as attractive at his age can come with complications. Although he appreciates the compliments and gestures, he acknowledges that too much attention has its downsides.
“Sometimes, a lot of something can become poisonous. The attention is not necessarily bad, but you have to know how to handle it,” he says.
He also takes issue with the assumptions often attached to older men who are physically fit and well-dressed. According to Mr Karl, they are sometimes presumed to be chasing younger women or using their money to attract partners.
“I don't see why we should be treated differently because we are older. If young people can make an effort to look good, why can't we? If you have taken care of yourself over the years, why should you be expected to stop now?” he says.
It is one thing to admire a man and imagine the qualities that might make him a dependable partner. It is quite another to consider the romance and possibilities of a life with someone who seems to attract all your senses.
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Relationship expert Lydia Kibet says the attraction to silver foxes may have less to do with age and more to do with what women associate with it.
“Sometimes, it is not just about the man being older. It is what he represents to the woman. She may see someone who knows himself, understands what he wants and has had time to establish himself. That can be attractive, especially to a woman who is looking for a partner with a sense of direction,” she says.
However, she cautions against assuming that a man's appearance or grooming habits automatically make him a better partner.
“Being older and stylish does not necessarily mean someone is mature. You can have a man in his 50s who has built a successful business but does not know how to communicate in a relationship. You can also have a younger man who is responsible, emotionally available and ready to build a family,” she says.
Money, too, is often part of the attraction, especially for women who associate the silver fox with a comfortable lifestyle.
“There is nothing wrong with wanting financial stability in a relationship. Money affects how people live, the decisions they make and the opportunities available to them. But there is a difference between being attracted to a man because he is financially stable, stylish, handsome, one who has abs, and choosing him only because he is exactly what your mind feeds you to want,” Ms Kibet says.
She adds that women should consider whether the attraction would remain if the lifestyle were taken out of the equation.
“You have to ask yourself whether you like the person or the life you imagine he owns and can give you. The two can exist together, but you need to know that there is more to the relationship than the money, the appearance, the gifts and the experiences. Those things can make life enjoyable, but they cannot replace emotional connection,” she says.
“When a man takes care of himself, dresses well and pays attention to his appearance, it can be attractive because you see that he makes an effort. But you cannot conclude that he will make a good husband simply because he looks good. You need to see how he treats you, how he handles disagreements and whether he respects your boundaries,” she adds.
The relationship expert says that although a relationship between two consenting adults can work regardless of the age difference, partners may be at different stages of life. One may still want children or be building a career, while the other may be approaching retirement or already have grown-up children.
“An age-gap relationship requires the same honesty as any other relationship, but there are questions that couples should discuss early. What does each person want from marriage? Do they want children? How do they view finances, retirement and their future together? These conversations matter because attraction alone cannot resolve the differences in expectations,” Ms Kibet says.
She believes women can enjoy the silver fox fascination without losing sight of what makes a relationship work.
“You can admire a man from across the room because of his grey hair, his suit, his watch or the way he carries himself. There is nothing wrong with that. But when you begin considering a relationship with him, you need to look beyond the appearance,” she says.
