Your child shouts at you, lies about something they have done or refuses to take responsibility, and suddenly you find yourself wondering: Where did they learn this?
It gets even more uncomfortable when you realise that some of the behaviour looks familiar. Maybe you also have a short temper. Perhaps you struggle to admit when you are wrong, or you have been known to avoid difficult conversations. And now your child seems to be doing the same.
Parents are often quick to blame themselves — or be blamed by others — when their children misbehave. Many believe that everything a child does is a reflection of how they were raised.
While parents have an important role in shaping their children’s behaviour, children are also influenced by friends, school, social media and the world around them. And as they grow older, they increasingly make choices of their own.
So, where does parental responsibility end and a child’s own responsibility begin?
Child psychologist Dr Eliud Ngugi, founder of Newness Counselling Organisation, says parents need to be honest about the part they may have played, repair what they can and, importantly, allow their children to carry responsibility for their own choices.
“If you failed to teach responsibility, modelled disrespect, tolerated dishonesty, used excessive control, neglected emotional needs or taught something harmful through your own behaviour, admit it,” he explains.
“Do not defend yourself. Say, ‘I contributed to this, and I need to repair what I failed to teach or what I taught wrongly.’”
Apologise, change your behaviour and help your child learn what was missing. But responsibility does not mean carrying your child’s entire cross, especially with older children and youths. Their choices eventually belong to them.
“If you repeatedly pay their debts, lie for them, rescue them from consequences, replace what they destroy or protect them from every painful outcome, you may be loving them into irresponsibility.”
He notes that some common parenting mistakes and family dynamics that unintentionally contribute to challenging behaviour come from what parents demonstrate, rather than what they preach.
“If you shout, your child may learn shouting. If you manipulate, they may learn manipulation. If you avoid responsibility, they may learn avoidance. If you solve every problem for them, they may learn helplessness.
“Inconsistent discipline, favouritism, emotional neglect, excessive criticism and parental conflict can also create unhealthy patterns,” he says.
Parents, he suggests, should ask themselves: What behaviour have I normalised in this home?
Then, change what is theirs to change.
“You cannot rewrite your child’s entire personality or control every influence around them. Your job is to provide values, boundaries, example and consequences. Parenting is not manufacturing a perfect human being but preparing another human being to eventually take responsibility.”
But not every bad behaviour is a cry for help, and not every emotional struggle should be punished.
Parents should ask what happened before the behaviour, what triggers it, what the child gains or avoids and whether the behaviour appears across different situations.
“A child may be aggressive because they are overwhelmed, but they still need to learn that aggression is unacceptable,” he says.
Say, “I understand that you are angry, but you cannot insult me.
“Comfort does not cancel accountability, and compassion does not mean permissiveness,” he says.
Child counsellor and general counselling psychologist Eliud Ngugi.
Photo credit: Pool
Sometimes, parents can also overcorrect by turning every misbehaviour into a psychological explanation and never requiring responsibility. A child needs to understand two things at the same time: “Your feelings matter” and “Your behaviour still has consequences.”
Dr Ngugi cautions parents against attacking a child’s character instead of correcting the behaviour.
“‘You are bad’ creates shame; ‘What you did was wrong’ creates accountability,” he says.
“Be specific about what happened, explain why it is unacceptable, apply a reasonable consequence and teach what should happen instead. Do not discipline while consumed by rage. A consequence delivered in anger often becomes revenge rather than parenting.”
Still, copied behaviour requires an even harder conversation because sometimes a child is simply doing what they have watched their parent do.
“If you shout, insult, lie, manipulate or disrespect others, your lectures have little authority. You may need to tell your child, ‘You learned some of this from me, and I must change too.’”
“Do not demand from your child what you refuse to practise yourself. Children need boundaries, but they also need living examples of the behaviour you expect,” Dr Ngugi adds.
Friends, school, social media, relatives, neighbourhoods and culture can introduce values and behaviours that parents never taught. As children grow, especially during adolescence, these outside influences become increasingly powerful.
“You cannot supervise every conversation, friendship or screen. Your deeper responsibility is to build judgement strong enough for your child to question unhealthy influences,” he says.
Before blaming friends, school or society, however, parents should look honestly in the mirror.
“Change your example, then teach your child to evaluate outside influences rather than simply obey them. You cannot control the entire world around your child, but you can help develop the conscience they carry into that world.”
“Apologise where necessary, then allow your child to participate in changing their own life. You cannot rescue someone into maturity.”
If a teenager repeatedly breaks trust, misuses money, damages property, lies or violates reasonable boundaries, there must be consequences. Otherwise, the lesson becomes: “Someone will always clean up after me.”
Instead, he advises parents to give increasing freedom with increasing responsibility.
“Say, ‘You are old enough to make this decision, and therefore old enough to face what follows.’ Let consequences be reasonable, connected and consistent rather than humiliating or abusive.”
The objective, he says, is not to produce obedience through fear.
“If they have never experienced consequences because you always rescued them, adulthood will become their first and harshest teacher,” he says.
When a parent and child have gone through a difficult period, repairing the relationship and helping the child develop better behaviour should begin with honesty.
Tell your child: “I know things have gone badly between us. I recognise where I contributed, and I want to make things right.”
From there, rebuild through consistency, presence, honest conversations, shared time and predictable boundaries.
Parents must also stop demanding instant forgiveness, affection or trust. Give the relationship time to recover.
At the same time, repair should not be confused with removing accountability. A parent can tell a child: “I will stand with you, but I will not carry what belongs to you.
“That may be one of the hardest forms of love. Real repair is not rescuing your child from reality but helping them become strong enough to face it,” he adds.
