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Continued association with the perpetrator leads to anxiety, numbness, and dissociation, as competency is no longer the basis for the job.
Hello Mr Benjamin,
Is it appropriate to continue working at a company where the boss made you sleep with him and took your virginity? I've been trying to apply to other jobs, but nothing has worked out. I feel stuck because if I quit, I won't have money for rent. I'm in my early 30s and can't move back home. What are the ramifications of continuing to work there?
First, let's call this what it is: Sexual exploitation. This is not a relationship or romance. It is pure abuse of power. He knew your situation made you vulnerable and your autonomy was compromised by your need. How do you keep yourself pure until 30 and then the first experience is not even voluntary? It may have been a momentary pleasure for him but for you it's an unforgettable event and a terrible precedent.
Because of these acts of selfishness, many women have struggled to enjoy physical intimacy afterwards. In the Kenyan context of a high unemployment rate, many women feel trapped and torn between morality and survival. You're not alone. What happens if you stay on?
You'll expose yourself to further psychological pain. Close association with the perpetrator will keep the wound alive. You'll find yourself battling anxiety, anger, shame, numbness and dissociation. Who knows whether he'll try to continue the exploitation since he already got you to compromise once? He knows what it takes to get you. A situational dilemma. And when you're working under him, he can always manipulate you into such situations at will. If this maltreatment continues, you'll lose something more precious, your self-worth.
Having to relive this ordeal, whether physically or psychologically, is not worth it. You can find other means of survival that don't cost your peace. Also, will you even perform at your peak in such a climate since your competency was never the basis or reward for this job? Also, beware of the mental state known as cognitive dissonance that comes when you stay in situations that offend your conscience. “I hate this, but I need the salary.” This is a recipe for anxiety and stress-related ailments.
How do you deal with the economic trap of being 30 and still unstable financially? Moving back home at such an age carries stigma. Rent in Nairobi and most Kenyan towns can be unforgiving. Yet somehow, in the absence of family protection or a starting base in the way of an inheritance, one is expected to fight for their dignity. Starting with nothing. Just how unfair can the world be? Must we buy our human decency? That's the fate of many children of third world countries.
There's but one thing we can do with this struggle – make sure we're the last in our lineage to fight it. Someone in the lineage must stop the plague of financial misery, and that someone is us. Are there legal remedies? Yes, Kenyan law recognises sexual harassment and exploitation in the workplace. With the help of organisations like the Federation of Women Lawyers in Kenya, one may seek legal redress.
Most people in such financial straits, however, hardly consider this route. So let's focus on practical self-help strategies. Practical steps to redeem yourself from this situation should start with emotionally unpacking the experience with the help of a counselor or journaling. Find peace within yourself again. Forgive yourself and collect the lessons only, dropping all guilt and shame.
You were stranded and someone took advantage of the situation. You're not weak. You're just human. Step two: Format your CV to narrow down to the skills you're particularly good at, not just your job title. Instead of saying business management, for example, say you're excellent at sales, customer service or AI integration and cite real-life examples of how you've used that skill to make a difference in the past.
Step three: Give yourself a limited time to give this job your absolute best. Three months, six months, one year. Why? Because it's a part of your CV and career journey. You also need to change the dynamic from an opportunity given through unethical channel to a proper exchange of value for value. If you perform and deliver beyond expectations, it will satisfy you even if nobody else acknowledges it. This time limit will also shield you against blackmail and sabotage when you resist any further exploitation.
Also, rumours spread and you don't want your reputation damaged either as punishment for refusing to cooperate or leakage of information among other staff. You want to be gone before you're branded as someone you're not. During this time, apply for jobs aggressively. Take the job search as a second job and give it two or three hours after work every day, plus the whole weekend. Save every penny to tide you over during the layover and don't count on this job. Don't take on full house rent yet. Continue house sharing if you were already doing it.
Ask for virtual interviews where possible and show up for physical ones in the afternoon, where you can leave your work an hour earlier and still manage. Lastly, a message to men. We should lead with integrity and not impulse. If you hire staff using exchange for favours, the output will eventually drop, the company will suffer and your CV will ultimately take a hit. Also, not all victims go down quietly. Some will blow up and expose you and that one scandal will cost you more than all the secret affairs that ever entertained you.
Benjamin Zulu
Counseling Psychologist and Life Coach
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