The State House cabinet is finally down, with all its cups and plates, thanks to members of Gen Z, who are still demanding that the remaining three kettles still gluing themselves on the board better start peeling themselves off, or they shall be helped by the force of gravity that Sir Isaac Newton left us with before he went to be with the Lord.
After successfully occupying Parliament and beating the Finance Bill 2024 to submission, the remaining list of demands had no choice but to begin screaming for help hoping Jesus would come back to save their lives before this new generation of active citizens arrived to knock them off one after the other in no particular order. On Thursday, it was the turn of the cabinet to go home and be with their families for good.
Tomorrow, Principal Secretaries will be crawling into church to ask God if He’s ever heard them talk ill of His son Jesus Christ and His mum, the Blessed Virgin Mary. Their answer will come the following week, in the form of a media invite from State House at 2pm East African Teetotalers Time (EATT).
When President William Ruto broke his predecessor’s record to appoint a total of 51 PSs, economic experts were the first to arrive with a letter from heaven warning him of the looming danger of having a bloated civil service replete with conflicting portfolios and duplication of roles, that would end up draining the public treasury and dizzying the public mood. While Dr Ruto did not directly inform the messengers to go tell God that He’s also being summoned to the State House staffroom for his envelope, his Deputy Rigathi Gachagua responded by reminding those complaining that they were too busy scrambling and partitioning the government for their shareholders inside the house first before they could listen to those making noise outside.
The noises outside the gates of government grew louder but those inside couldn’t hear a thing, as their heads were deep inside the feeding trough annexing as much as they could to go wash away the trauma of childhood poverty.
It should never have come to this, but since those who thought they own government decided to abandon their oath of office and serve other interests not found in the constitution, the people of Kenya decided to take back their power without warning, and everyone is now jamming the call lines to heaven begging for divine intervention before greetings are sent their way.
We take a moment of silence to remember the men and women of God, who, during the first months of the Ruto presidency, called a mega crusade to announce to the nation that they had been sent by God to exorcise all the demons that had been given rooms inside State House by the previous regime. They combed every blade of grass at the State House lawns running back and forth while speaking in tongues. As the intensity of the smoke from the State House chimney grew thicker and so were the screams for God to bless the food that they were about to restore their energy with.
The hallmark of the State House anointing was the disbandment of the in-house bar which, according to the messengers of God, was responsible for keeping the occupants drunk with power.
We take a moment of silence to remember these people because since the Gen-Z emptied into the streets to do the Lord’s work, none of these pious Pharisees and Sadducees have been seen sticking by the man whom they had been sent by God to protect. When they told us that for the first time in the history of independent Kenya, the church had a candidate in the elections, they thought Kenyans would be intimidated by the sanctimonious curses that they warned would befall anyone who went against their chosen one.
Thanks to the Gen-Z, the church has not only abandoned their candidate but also barred him from desecrating the pulpit every mass day with government propaganda. If there is one undeniable success this movement can singlehandedly be proud of – it is that of restoring Kenya back to the real body of Christ.
We now know that the Kenyan church has been doing other things in the pretext of restoring Kenya back to the body of Christ. For siding with those who oppress the people and keeping the masses in a constant loop of suffering, perhaps they also need to be visited to account for all the monies they have been collecting from the poor since the British left us to govern ourselves.
We may not know it yet, but perhaps this Gen-Z movement is the judgment day that we were promised in the Bible, as everyone is now being asked to step forward into the light for their bodies to be screened for any public debris. If you are one of the Cabinet Secretaries who have been asked to find other things to do, you can be sure the scrutiny will not end with your early retirement. Those who may be lucky will dragged before a judge to explain in diagrams why an expensive watch could not tell the time of their sacking. The unlucky ones might wake up one day to find the repo squad at their gates checking their car stickers for signs of graft.
Scholars of theology have constantly reminded us that the Bible says there will be no rest for the wicked, and while we have always dismissed them as those who chose easy subjects in high school so as to boost their mean score, we may need to collectively find them and apologize for thinking that Christian Religious Education (CRE) was way inferior to Organic Chemistry.
The Bible says, in Mathew 13:40-42, that “Just as the weeds are sorted out and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the world. The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will remove from his Kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. And the angels will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
If you know that you work in this government and you have not made your things right with the Lord, this is your early boarding call to find your nearest church and go ask for the mic from your pastor and apologise to all Kenyans from the pulpit. There will be no guarantee you will be forgiven in situ, but at least even if they will greet you in the name of your sins, you will be comforted into knowing you have inner peace.
