This is my third relationship in two years to end abruptly. Each time, it starts well. The man says I’m everything he has been looking for, even talks about marriage, then suddenly, he fades without explanation. When I press for answers, two of them said I “talk too much.” But isn’t communication the whole point of dating? I know I express myself, and I also listen. Should I keep quiet just so that men can like me?
Your problem is tact and timing. You are supposed to express yourself to the man during dating. The question is, when? And in what climate? Secondly, talking to a man when he's still an outsider or admirer exposes you to too much filtering and judgment. You should first move him from an admirer to a convert. Then talk when he's a convert or already invested in you.
You do this by simply rearranging the dating schedule. Let him speak first, and listen. Give him free audience and therapy. An emotional massage of sorts, for that's what it feels to a man when a woman listens attentively to him. Women have used this approach for ages, both in love and in war.
Don't you remember Jael in the book of Judges when an enemy sought refuge at her house? How she hosted him with food and a bed to rest, before slaying him in his sleep?
Or Queen Esther dining with her king at the same dinner with her enemy before making her requests? Learn to melt a man's resistance with hospitality first. The real question is, do you want to be a man's equal or his obsession? Do you want to be his rival or his arrival? You can't be both. Many women end up unknowingly competing with the men they're trying to connect to.
The key is to listen to what his heart desires the most. Focus on conversations that make him pour his heart out. Most women resent this, and that's how they divert from the way of the superior woman. They feel like the man is dominating the conversation, making it all about himself, not giving her time to express herself, and so forth.
A couple arguing.
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What they miss is that most men are starving to be heard. The first time they find a curious, non-judgmental, and warm person, they lose themselves in a good way. Your job is to only initiate direct conversations with men you've filtered. After that, occupy the feminine spot and let him pour himself out.
This is gold to you. You melt all his defenses. He tells you everything about his life in one sitting. You don't need to run in circles to find out information, talking to his friends or his sisters. None of those theatrics is necessary when you know how to show up in your soft, feminine energy and invite a man to lie on your lap and rest from his battles in the world. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Letting a man talk first is a form of submission and also an arsenal for engineering deep connection, the kind that makes him do anything you want.
You only need to switch from ego to empathy. Stop thinking, “Why is he not asking about my favourite colours and dress sizes to go and spoil me?” Start thinking, “What a battle-torn prince. It seems like he's never been refreshed for so long. Let me give him a place to lay his head.” Inevitably, you'll get the time to pour out your heart as well. The conversation will mature into a dialogue within days. But you know what will be different? You'll be talking to a man you already know and who is already sold to you.
When you let him lead in the conversation, he gets vulnerable and real, something many women never get from men. You'll be talking to his heart and not his head. He'll be hearing you in love, not in logic. And the best part? When you listen first, you also get to make a decision first whether it's even worthwhile pursuing that connection. You can measure your emotional investment early, something many women never get to do. They get deeply invested before they've assessed viability, leading to a painful pattern of attach-detach on every new connection.
When he pauses after two hours and three refills of coffee, narrating the journey of his life, you reassure him and spur him on with a more inviting comment. “I like how we're getting to know each other on a deeper level. I'm just curious: what type of woman would you like to come home to?” You're not guarded or secretive. You're simply letting him go first. And he feels honoured. This question is both an invite and a test. If he's a marriage-seeking man, the answer will be on his fingertips. If he's just looking for fun, he'll beat about the bush. You need that clarity, don't you?
When a woman lets a man to lead in the conversation, he gets vulnerable and real, something many women never get from men.
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Femininity is soft strength. It's about knowing how to be both firm and warm. You know what you want, but you're not obvious about it. You avoid confrontational language like, 'Tell me the type of woman you want so we don't waste each other's time.' When you're intentional and safe to talk to, the man will fall deeply in love and begin to say things like, “Something is different with you. You take me back to my childhood. I feel so alive around you.”
