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How do I break free from my toxic parents?
Constant exposure to conflict, guilt, or financial pressure can take a toll on your mental health.
What you need to know:
- You should understand that constant exposure to conflict, guilt, or financial pressure can take a toll on your mental health.
- Don't accept carrying trauma. Remember that protecting your mental health is not rebellion; it is self-preservation.
Hi Zulu,
I am a 27-year-old woman and the firstborn in my family. I feel like my parents are oppressing my siblings and I with their constant demand for money, even though they both have jobs. My parents fight a lot and force me to sit and listen to their complaints against each other, which is exhausting. When I try to avoid getting dragged into their disputes, they get offended. I thought this habit would end once I got married, but nothing has changed. Even though I'm a newlywed, they're still asking me for money and dragging me into their fights. What should I do?
Dear reader,
What you are describing is something many firstborn children experience, especially in families where boundaries were never clearly defined. Being placed in the position of managing your parents’ emotions, finances, or conflicts leaves little room for you to simply be their child.
When you become emotionally mature and reach adulthood, you start to emotionally separate yourself from this kind of mistreatment. Any siblings who try to disengage after you've succeeded will follow in your footsteps, and they'll face less resistance. You will support them, and now there will be two of you.
It is important to understand that constant exposure to conflict, guilt, or financial pressure can take a toll on your mental health. Being repeatedly pulled into your parents’ disputes or expected to meet their emotional needs can leave you drained and resentful.
Most likely, the dominant parent will have subdued your other parent, who will sell you their defeated philosophy and encourage you to obey your parent.
"Understand that he's doing it out of love. He's just like that. Take the higher road. Be the understanding one."
You need to set some boundaries and this may mean limiting conversations that turn into complaints, being clear about what financial support you can realistically offer or choosing not to offer any.
Distance can sometimes help, whether emotional or physical. Space allows you to see yourself outside the role you have always played and to hear your own needs more clearly. It also gives you room to respond thoughtfully rather than react out of pressure or guilt.
You may be misunderstood when you begin to assert yourself. Some relatives may urge you to “be patient” or “be the bigger person,” often without understanding the full picture.
Yes, some people will never allow you to be happy around them. That person could be your parent. You should never feel guilty about protecting yourself.
Don't accept carrying trauma. Remember that protecting your mental health is not rebellion; it is self-preservation.
That said, these are your only parents. We are naturally meant to grow up under the care of healthy parents. This means that, psychologically, you'll be left with a void. It's a deficiency that requires compensation. You may need psychological help to cope with it. However, it's possible to find healing and fulfilment.
If anyone threatens you with curses just because you set healthy boundaries, remember Proverbs 26:2: "An undeserved curse will never take effect."
All the best.
