The pain of seeing an ex move on. PHOTO|FOTOSEARCH
My sister was in a relationship with this man for 10 years. He had not engaged her and didn’t seem to be in a hurry to formalise the union. She said they were taking their time. At the beginning of last year, he ended the relationship, got a new woman and married her within six months of dating. My sister is completely shattered. She can’t move on, and she keeps wondering what she did wrong.
Why would a man spend a whole decade with someone, only to marry someone else almost immediately? It doesn't feel kind. It feels evil. I want to understand what really happened.
Dear reader,
Many women believe rejection means they were not good enough. But sometimes a man fails to commit for reasons that have nothing to do with her worth — reasons like timing, maturity, or his own unpreparedness. Yet when she becomes available without commitment, another psychological law works against her: she becomes too easy to value.
Perhaps it’s true that the guy is selfish. But he might also have loved her at a time when he wasn’t ready for commitment.
Men, by wiring, value what they must earn. When something comes easily, however precious, they lose appreciation for it. It’s not intentional. It’s biological.
Women think in reciprocity: If I love him freely, he will love me freely in return.Wrong.
Men think: If she came this easily, will she leave just as easily? If she accepted me without my having to do anything, how will she stretch me to grow? She took my lowest-effort version — that’s not who I want to be. Let me step up for someone who requires it.
Or he thinks: I’m now ready to settle, but I want challenge and conquest. This one gave everything for free. It’s boring. It may not sound logical, but it is psychological. A man marries the best reflection of himself. If you took him when he was down and unready, you become a mirror of the version he wants to forget.
For your own survival, stop attaching yourself to the worst versions of men. They don’t appreciate it, and they discard you along with that season of their life.
By “worst version,” I mean the version that couldn’t marry you or even be honest about it. The version that accessed you only through the compromise of cohabiting.
Giving yourself to a man without the covenant of marriage is always a double loss: He will not value the sacrifice and you will carry the consequences long after he’s moved on.
Some argue, “Even if he married her, he could still leave. A certificate doesn’t make a man stay.”
Correct. The certificate isn’t magic. But it points to the right process. Dating correctly in the form of commitment first, covenant next, intimacy last, allows a woman to filter and evaluate character before giving access.
Procedural marriage would have eliminated this man from the outset. There is also a psychological shift that occurs when a man marries properly. A man marries legally first, then psychologically. Legal marriage is the covenant. Psychological marriage is the transformation, when he changes his mind-set to monogamy and responsibility. This is where he tames his hunting instincts and bonds with one woman.
Without the legal step, he rarely experiences the psychological one. He remains mentally “free,” still hunting, still keeping the backdoor open. That’s why the paperwork matters — it filters motives.
When a woman’s bar is on the floor, and she gives her body before covenant, she attracts users rather than builders, borrowers and defaulters instead of investors. She ends up with men who should never have touched her in the first place.
Remember the perennial question: Once you’ve given your pearls to pigs, what will you offer the prince? If you give access to passersby, what will you give the man who comes to marry and build with you?
A man can be a pig in one season and a prince in another. He may trample your pearls today and treasure another woman’s tomorrow because he has finally evolved. This is exactly what happened to your sister.
The problem is that many women are too patient with men in their piggy seasons. When you help too much, you risk becoming his starter wife — or worse, a deputy mother.
But you cannot be both mother and wife. Children eventually break away from parents to start their lives. If you play parent to a man, he will eventually break away from you to start his.
Also Read: Breakup that was a blessing
A woman’s power lies in her standards. When she values herself enough to date procedurally — commitment first, covenant next, intimacy last — she filters out immature men instantly. The right man will meet her at the altar as a prince, not as a project. The wrong man will eliminate himself. And that is how a woman protects her heart and her future.
