I just got married this past Saturday, but I feel uncertain. I am confident I married the right woman and we followed the right procedure, but now I'm wondering, what's next? After our wedding, I felt a psychological shift accompanied by mixed feelings. “Now you're committed. Now you're a husband. You'd better live up to your promises or else all that crowd that witnessed your ceremony will laugh you to scorn.” What can I do to make sure I don’t fail?
Songs and ululations are fading in the background, and you're now officially husband and wife. The crowds have dispersed, and the hype has died. Everything is shifting in your life, and rapidly. It feels like trying to find balance on a sloppy ground, but you must keep moving. Here are a few pointers to help you along.
See each other as companions in a journey across a perilous jungle, like co-scouts. You're two friends escorting each other home. You'll be stumbling and staggering across all terrains, but the most important thing is to stay together.
When on an easy plain, you can be easy and playful, but when climbing a rocky hill, you're slow and careful as you find your footing in the rocks. There's no competition or anything to prove between you. All you want is to get ahead together and return home safely. You want to hold each other's hands at the end of the voyage and, with teary eyes, say, 'We made it.'
Express your feelings to your lover, both your excitement and your disappointments.
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Sometimes, you rest under some shadow to brave the scorching sun. When one lies down to catch a nap, the other stays upright on the lookout lest a baboon steal your lunch pack.
When it gets dark, you bundle together, one holding the torch and the other holding the staff. You cross streams and scale cliffs together.
This means you must prioritise each other's well-being over everything else. No amount of money or business deals is worth pursuing when your partner is down or needs your help. Getting married is not the destination but the launching of a journey.
The language of hunting and finding has been used to replace dating and looking for a match. It makes it look like after you find, the hunting or the chase is over. This narrative was common in the Middle Ages, when marriage was an economic vehicle for the woman and a means of expansion for the man.
All the man needed to do was get a woman, deposit her at home, and then go out there alone to hunt. He would appear from time to time to replenish the family's supplies, but the woman was the one raising children. The two led parallel lives in different worlds.
This is why the children were often estranged from their father because he was hardly present, and upon retirement, the man deteriorated quickly to death because he was a stranger in his own home.
But in the beginning, that was not the plan. This arrangement was introduced by male chauvinists in an attempt to subdue women and escape accountability. It gave him the room to roam as he wished out there while confining the woman in a small space at home. It was driven by greed and dishonesty.
It always backfired on him in the end, when he found himself alone and desperate in his old age, and his clandestine lovers had left him for other targets.
At creation, the woman was meant as a companion, not a subordinate. She was to help the man in virtually everything he did. She was to be by his side in the garden, the fields, and at home. They were both 'one flesh.' Just like you never leave any part of your body behind, you're never to leave your partner behind.
Suddenly, you realise that when you look out for each other at home and in the battlefields of life – the marketplace and the social groupings – you win better. 10 times better.
Next, develop a mastermind. If you jointly think about the same thing, the outcome is never double the efficiency or potency; it's usually three times or more.
This phenomenon was first observed in mining, where, if one horse could pull 900 pounds alone, when two were joined, they didn't pull 1800, but 2700 or more! It wasn't until Napoleon Hill and other social scientists gave a name to the phenomenon: The synergy of perfect unity.
This expanded mind or multiplied morale was named the mastermind. It's the most significant advantage of being a harmoniously married couple.
The three building blocks of all unions are closeness and care, power and control, respect, and recognition.
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How to turn it on: Always debrief about your day with your partner, not your friends. Express your feelings to your lover, both your excitement and your disappointments.
Do not just get home and switch off or tune into social media. Emotional absence kills connection. Remember, your primary responsibility as a man is to lead, not to dominate. Protect, guide and help her pursue her dreams as well. The point is to lift burdens for each other.
Don't block your wife, as we men tend to keep silent when we're hurting. Speak up, and don't be afraid to communicate when you feel wronged.
Remember the three building blocks of all unions: Closeness and care, power and control, respect, and recognition. Organise your union around these three areas and you'll be surprised at the joy you'll glean from your union.
