However unavoidable your divorce, you’ll still worry about how it will affect your children. And with good reason. Because research shows that the effects of a badly handled divorce can affect your children well into their adult lives.
Some develop a tendency to put on weight, for example, or become more liable to infections. Many children blame themselves for their parents’ breakup, and their feelings of loss and guilt can lead to a whole range of adult issues.
Children are impacted most by a bitter divorce, so avoid ‘lawyering up’ and disagreeing about everything.
Regardless of the issues that led to your separation, making your children your first priority will go a long way in safeguarding their needs. Let them know they can talk about their feelings with you, and explain that it’s okay to feel sad, confused or angry.
It’s especially important that they feel they can ask you questions, because that will help them to open up about any issues they’re facing. Listen more than you speak, and try to be honest when talking to them about your divorce, bearing in mind their age and understanding.
Make sure that both you and your ex constantly reassure your children that you love them, and that that’s not going to change. Be 100 per cent consistent about the time you both spend with them and conscientiously help them to understand what’s going on.
Your children may become insecure or worried, and this may affect their behaviour. They may start bedwetting again, have nightmares or refuse to sleep alone. They may become rebellious at school, or with you or your ex. They may try to manipulate you or develop anxieties about their future, which you should acknowledge and talk through with them. That doesn’t mean they need to know all the details of your breakup, but they do need to know how things may change and what that means.
Keep to their usual routines as much as possible. Your usual meal times, homework times and chores. Help them to spend time with their friends and to carry on their usual hobbies.
Don’t ask them to take sides. Don’t criticise your ex, or try to get information about your ex from your children, or involve them in conversations about the breakup, especially the financial implications or divorce proceedings. Don’t argue with your ex in front of your children if you possibly can, because parental conflict is particularly damaging.
Consciously try to be as calm as possible whenever you’re together. And remember: even though you and your ex aren’t a couple anymore, your relationship as co-parents will never end, so try to become friendly and co-operative. You may even succeed!
It won’t be easy, so if it’s all getting too much for you, don’t be afraid to seek help, such as counselling. One day, you will realise you’re doing a really good job.
