Conversations can be far more complex than they seem. Just think about how even a simple word like ‘Yes’ can mean a whole range of different things, from enthusiastic agreement, to something like grudging acceptance, all the way through to total disbelief. All with slight changes in stress and intonation.
Yet mostly we handle such ambiguities effortlessly, instantly spotting lies, hidden meanings and hints. This ability is learned over years of experience and enables us to make sense of other people’s words, emotions and behaviour as we interact with them socially.
It’s also what powers our feelings of empathy, allowing us to identify with one another’s difficulties and challenges in life. But that means that people with poor language skills have difficulty feeling compassion and offering genuine support, though they often develop a range of canned responses that can sound pretty normal: ‘…that must have been hard…’ But you’ll soon notice that they use the same phrases over and over again, and their concern fades far too quickly to be genuine.
Their conversations are usually also monotonous and frustrating. They express few opinions, and load you up with far too many facts and trivial details. They completely miss hints, and it can feel as if they’re deliberately refusing to open up to you. But what’s actually happening is that they can’t really connect with other people at all. They rarely enjoy emotional novels or movies either.
Fortunately, most of us have developed really brilliant language skills, especially as we became more socially experienced. But you can still get caught out, especially with people you know really well, such as your spouse. That’s because you interpret a lot of what they say based on your existing knowledge of their attitudes, moods and beliefs. But these constantly develop, and if you’ve missed the changes, you could easily be wrong.
Or maybe your interpretations are based on stuff from your own past, such as a previous relationship. An ex once let you down, so if your partner says something that your ex might have said, you instantly feel insecure, even though they actually had no intention of hurting you.
So watch for the possibility that you’ve misjudged your partner’s words. Instead of assuming they’re criticising you, for example, ask yourself whether maybe they’re trying to be humorous. Or try reacting as if what they meant was the nicest of all the possibilities.
And if it definitely was a hurtful comment, try ignoring it completely. Or saying something neutral like. ‘OK, I’ll think about that.’ That way the moment will probably pass, and be less likely to occur again. Whereas if you challenge them you’ll just end up in a fight.
In fact, you should always question your assumptions about what’s going on in your partner’s mind because you could easily be wrong! Instead, try reacting as if they’re being nice to you all the time. And pretty quickly you’ll discover that you’re getting along better than ever before!
