Few of us are actually taught how to ask questions, but we all need to learn because it’s a hugely important skill that most of us don’t use nearly enough. Asking good questions can change your life. You’re far more likely to get a second date if you ask lots of questions on the first.
So ask lots more! Be genuinely interested in the replies, listen hard, follow up with more thoughtful questions, and by the end of the conversation, your new friend will be thinking that you’re one of the most interesting people they’ve ever met!
At work, make sure people understand where you stand by asking questions that convey your values and priorities. Good managers use skilful questioning to help their subordinates find optimal solutions to problems, which they then own because they contributed to finding them. Build a network of allies by spending a few minutes every day talking with colleagues. Find ways to interact with people from other departments. Chat after meetings.
Drop in on them when you’re passing through. Join your professional society, check out clients, suppliers, and even strangers you meet at parties! It only takes a few minutes. A few polite questions that establish what position they’re in, what their interests are and so on. Keep in touch with anyone who might potentially help you develop your career.
Open-ended questions usually reveal most, but well-framed yes-no questions work better with someone who’s not opening up. In a difficult situation, ask the toughest question first because then your later questions will feel easier and be answered more freely.
But when building relationships, do the opposite! Start off with the small stuff, because gradually increasing disclosure draws people together. You’ll also avoid unsuccessful relationships if you first screen potential partners with some brief, purpose-driven small talk.
Use that to establish that they’re genuinely available, their career makes sense, and you share some interests. Only go further with good matches. Build trust by being truthful from the start. That doesn’t mean telling everything the moment you meet, but you mustn’t wait too long, or it will feel weird when things finally come out.
So quickly ‘broad-brush’ your relationship history, children and so on. And don’t even try to hide something important, not even for a day or two! Like, for example, if you’re a single parent, slip that into the very first conversation. Something like ‘Gosh, is that the time? I must go and pick up my daughter soon…’
After that, whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself. Neither getting too far ahead nor falling behind. People mostly miss opportunities because they’re far too private.
Gradually exchanging personal information builds a connection. So start asking lots more questions and giving more revealing answers. It is way easier than you think, though it still takes practice to get it all together. So get out there and build up your skills!
