For very good reasons, girls receive lots of attention these days, but an unintended consequence of this is that many boys are failing to start adult life successfully. Because while parents and teachers are concentrating on the girls, the boys are no longer being helped to transition into manhood.
Somehow we’ve forgotten that boys are different from girls, face different challenges when they grow up, and need to be brought up differently. So how can you help your boys grow up to be successful men?
Recognise that the differences between boys and girls are real, so don’t try to suppress them. Girls sit quietly and reach milestones earlier. Boys are more energetic, more aggressive, and have trouble sitting still.
We ‘man up’ even small boys. Their mothers talk less to them and use fewer emotional words, while their fathers focus their conversations on achievement and winning, so that they’re already more emotionally distant than girls as they enter school.
There’s a real reason for this, because even though women say they want men to be warm and caring, in practice they go for the ‘strong silent type’! Never underestimate how important this is for your son.
Because a man’s life is much more competitive than a woman’s, and when he fails, he fails harder. Failing to find a wife, for example, failing to have children, even losing his life. Far more men are murdered than women.
Boys learn to be daring because women find male bravery very attractive, and because everything about gaining social status and wealth is inherently risky. So boys have to balance being warm and caring with being assertive and resilient. Or they’ll fail as adults.
Boys need a good male role model to show them how to be winners in the world of men. They need to see their father succeeding among men while loving his family.
So if you’re a single mum, try not to cut your ex out of your life unless he’s truly evil. And if he’s never around, find role models such as your father or a brother, who can show your sons how good men live their lives.
Resist the urge to jump in whenever you see your boys struggling. Letting them learn from their difficulties helps them grow more resilient and proficient. Help your sons understand fear, anger and frustration alongside love and happiness.
Have high expectations for their behaviour and progress. Praise them for effort and hard work, then they’ll persevere and succeed. Enforcing your family rules on politeness and kindness sends another powerful message. Show your boys your values. Your hard work, passion and resilience. Your honesty and kindness.
Teach them to control their emotions and impulses. Help them learn social skills. And avoid reinforcing stereotypes about masculinity. Like reassuring your daughters when they’re anxious while downplaying your sons’ feelings. Boys get worried too.
Keep supporting them, and one day, you’ll realise they’ve made it, and become adults you’re genuinely proud of.
