Your feelings never seemed to matter, so now you choose partners who are controlling or neglecting and who don’t care about your feelings either.
Are you the only one trying to make your relationship work? You’re constantly trying to connect, and to do things that make your partner happy, but it’s only you who seems to care or to make a real effort. Somehow your partner’s too self-absorbed and emotionally distant to notice.
Maybe you’ve begun to feel that you love your partner more than you love yourself? And to endlessly obsess over what they think of you? Always trying to be perfect for them, constantly angling for compliments, and feeling an intense need for their approval?
Probably this has happened to you more than once. We all sacrifice our own needs for the good of a relationship from time to time, but when everything gets completely one sided, then it’s time to take action.
Chances are you’ve always had a lot of your identity wrapped up in someone else, put a lot of effort into pleasing others and have difficulty saying ‘No.’ You may also have low self-esteem, feel inferior about a whole lot of things and rarely express your true thoughts, feelings or needs for fear of disapproval.
You’re probably only in your current relationship because you feel lonely when you’re by yourself. You also worry that you’ll never find anyone else, which makes it harder still for you to leave, even though you’re unhappy and aware that matters are becoming worse.
How did things get like this? The problem probably started during your childhood. Perhaps your parents abused or neglected you, or were self-centred or controlling.
Your feelings never seemed to matter, so now you choose partners who are controlling or neglecting and who don’t care about your feelings either. Or maybe you were abused in an earlier relationship. Perhaps by someone who exploited you with threats, insults, blaming and shaming. Praising you when you did what they wanted and attacking your self-worth if ever you didn’t.
Experiences like these gradually create what’s called a dependent personality. And changing that won’t be easy, so talk to an experienced counsellor who’s familiar with dependency, because you’ll need help accepting your role in what’s happening and unravelling earlier experiences that are affecting the way you behave now.
So, for example, people raised by controlling parents often feel that they have to do what their partner wants, so you may need help learning to be assertive.
You may also need help taking responsibility for your own decisions. And for your self-esteem. So you don’t look to others to make you happy, or to feel your own self-worth.
You may need help learning to establish and enforce your boundaries so you can choose how you’ll live, and what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. And you’ll need help learning to be willing to leave a bad one.
That’s not only so you can start again when things go wrong, but because relationships are always far more balanced when your partner knows they might lose you.
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