Most couples have a few dry spells during their marriage, some so long that you feel more like roommates than lovers. Even the thought of starting something together can feel awkward.
So, if you’re stuck in a rut, you’re not alone. But how do dry spells start?
Stress is a common trigger, because when you’re stressed, lovemaking is the last thing on your mind. It’s also tiring, eats into your energy and messes with your sex drive. Some medications can cause sexual problems, and mental health issues such as depression or anxiety are another common trigger. Dry spells often start during a rough patch in your relationship, because arguing a lot, criticising each other and making hurtful remarks quickly spills over into the bedroom.
But dry spells often result from mismatched libidos. Every couple’s sex drive fluctuates, meaning that you and your partner may only occasionally be on the same page. Whichever one of you has the higher libido gradually feels rejected and stops initiating sex, while the other feels put-upon by all of the requests. Or inadequate because they think they can’t meet their partner’s needs.
Another possibility is unrealistic expectations about sex. Sometimes sex is awesome, but expecting magic every time is setting yourself up for disappointment. It also builds pressure and leads to a focus on performance rather than connection and intimacy. Gradually, the disappointments and performance anxiety get so high it’s easier to just let everything go.
Or perhaps you’ve just become bored. Maybe you’re scared of suggesting ways to spice things up, because you worry how your spouse will react. Fear of taking risks gradually takes all the energy out of lovemaking, so that while early on the sex was always hot and exciting, you slowly slipped into a predictable routine that sucked all the desire out of your relationship.
Dry spells are not the end of intimacy, but an opportunity to rebuild connection and understanding.
Dry spells are most common between couples who never talk about intimacy, because couples who can’t talk about their desires gradually lose touch with what each needs in their relationship. So start talking! Begin by reminding each other of the good times you’ve spent together, how much you enjoy being intimate, and just cosy up more. Schedule a regular bedtime, spend the last few minutes of the day relaxing and snacking, and get ready for bed together. And put sex into your diary rather than hoping for the mood to strike!
Try to consciously avoid all forms of criticism, because a happy sexual relationship thrives on acceptance. Try to talk out any relationship issues, and consider counselling if that’s difficult. Also get professional help if you think medication or mental health issues might be affecting you.
If you have mismatched libidos, talk openly about your different levels of desire and reach a compromise that works for you. Mismatched sex drives have to be managed. Above all, explore ways to make your intimate life more playful, and you’ll soon be like newlyweds again.
