My name is Simon, and I’m 35 years old. In 2021 I began a relationship with a university student. We dated for three years and had a baby boy together. Due to family pressure, our relationship ended in 2024. However, since October last year, I have not been allowed to see my child, but I am being pressured to pay upkeep so that they allow me access. I was hoping the mother would agree for us to raise our child together but she seems less interested since she graduated. Am I just unlucky in love?
You are not unlucky. You were uninformed. You cannot date a university student when you are serious about marriage. At that stage the girl is still under her parents and cannot make independent decisions. That family pressure which led to the breakup was easy to foresee. A student who has not gained financial independence is not in a position to chart her own course in life.
Second, you dated the wrong way. Sexual intimacy is not part of healthy dating. That is what led to the child, a permanent consequence in your life. The purpose of dating is character analysis. Data gathering, not intimacy. If you had maintained the right boundaries and focused on studying her, you would have noticed not only her lack of mental autonomy but also the unwelcoming attitude from her family.
A couple on a date.
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Parents naturally question why a grown man who has the option of marrying mature women would pursue a young student in college. Is he looking for someone young and inexperienced to control? In truth, such girls appear easy to mold. They have no established life. No job and no money. That makes it easy to relate with them. When you meet their small needs, you quickly become the best man they have ever encountered.
But that situation is circumstantial, not permanent. She is simply green in the world. She attracts many men because she has not yet encountered the manipulations and mind games that happen in adult relationships. But the real question is, until when? She is growing. Sooner or later, she will encounter those realities and choose the side she prefers. Men also prefer young women because they have had fewer relationships and therefore a lower body count.
But again, until when? She has not yet made decisions about her body, her identity or her life. Intercepting her before she reaches those crossroads does not solve the issue. Some men believe they can find a woman young, shape her character and shield her from outside influences. That idea sounds neat but it is unrealistic. Human beings are not cattle to be herded. Everyone desires self-determination and the freedom to choose their path.
Sooner or later she becomes curious about life and wants to explore it for herself. That is why many women finish college and suddenly decide that the man who stood by them and even paid their fees is no longer their type. She is not pretending. She is entering a phase of self-discovery.
Developmental psychology shows that the logical brain matures around the age of 25. Before that age people’s tastes and preferences change rapidly. A woman may swear love to you at 21 or 23 but at 25 or 26 she wonders what she was thinking.
Most women experience a kind of awakening after 25. After that, their preferences tend to become more stable.
The wiser approach is to find a woman who has already faced life and consciously chosen her path. Character is proven through choices. If a girl has never been exposed to choices, she may appear clean but she is not necessarily virtuous. She is simply unexposed.
Many men avoid dating among grown adults because the world of adults contains many complicated characters. Campus seems easier because the girls there are young and new to the world.
But 10 years later those same girls will enter adulthood and choose their own paths just like everyone else. That is why dating among grown-ups produces clearer results. Adults already have options, experiences and influences. Their lifestyles are deliberate choices rather than temporary circumstances like life in campus hostels.
Women under 25 also tend to be impulsive and emotionally unstable because their prefrontal cortex, the rational brain, is still developing. In such relationships you often end up babysitting and managing the woman emotionally.
Women under 25 also tend to be impulsive and emotionally unstable because their prefrontal cortex, the rational brain, is still developing.
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When a child arrives at that stage, as in your case, motherhood can overwhelm an already developing mind. That is when family pressure takes over or confusion sets in about whether she even wants the relationship. My advice going forward is this. Stop trying to marry her. Focus on co-parenting. Use the Children’s Department for mediation if necessary.
Let this experience become your baptism of fire. You now know what it feels like to live without peace. To be blocked by someone you love. To be caught in uncertainty and find yourself dealing with an entire family instead of one woman. Next time, look for a woman who is ready for marriage, not a girl who is still discovering herself. Good luck.
