Surprising as it may sound, some women hide their naked bodies even from the men they love. They slip into bed fully clothed, or insist the lights be switched off before undressing. Grace is one of them. She came to the Sexology Clinic last week, and I placed her on therapy.
“It is the stretch marks I am ashamed of, doctor,” she confessed. “And I also feel my legs are too thin. I fear he will be put off.”
Grace fell in love early this year, but for six months the relationship has been shaky. Her story is a reminder of an age-old struggle: body dysphoria, the unease that comes when one cannot accept their own body.
Some people refuse to laugh openly because they dislike their teeth. Others live in wigs because they dislike their hair. Still others never leave high heels behind because they dislike their height.
The fashion industry has learned to profit from these insecurities. Padded bras promise fuller breasts, padded panties promise bigger hips. Plastic surgery has grown into a profession that reshapes bodies to fit a world-prescribed definition of beauty.
Yet a woman is far more than her looks. She is personality, confidence, intelligence, and presence. What you call “ugly” about your body is often the very uniqueness that makes you stand out and makes you desirable.
If you find yourself caught in the cycle of self-rejection, begin by listing your unique beauty.
There are gifts in you that deserve love. It could be your voice, your lips, your smile, or even the size of your body that lends authority and confidence. Remind yourself of these traits whenever negative thoughts creep in.
Instead of squeezing into tight clothes to appear smaller or hiding in baggy outfits to appear bigger, choose attire that makes you comfortable.
When you feel at ease, you can focus on the people around you rather than obsessing over what you dislike. Too often, women spend energy ruminating on flaws instead of opening up socially, and that only hides the beauty others would see if you let them in.
Remember, models do not exist in real life. They are dressed by professionals, their imperfections concealed, their movements choreographed to project perfection. Real life is not a runway, and you should embrace it as such.
Still, there are ego-killers in our lives, people who make it their mission to highlight what they think is ugly about us.
They may pose as concerned friends or relatives, but they rarely mention what is beautiful and unique. Avoid such company. Surround yourself with those who build your confidence. If they are relatives you cannot avoid, speak candidly and let them know their judgments hurt.
Self-rejection also distorts how compliments are received. You may tell someone they are beautiful, only to be accused of sarcasm.
That is what happens when body dysphoria takes over. The healthier response to a compliment is joy. Note what people admire and remind yourself of it. You do have unique beauty, even when you fail to see it.
Ultimately, accepting and appreciating your body is the beginning of intimacy. As the holy book teaches, love your neighbour as yourself. Without self-love, you cannot radiate love to others. But when you learn to love yourself, you open the door to a fulfilling love life.
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