It is African to share a house with relatives including your own children and a house help. The crowd in the house can however bring unexpected dynamics in your relationship including interference with the frequency and quality of your sex lives and the relationship.
“And that is why I have insisted all along that relatives should not come to live in our house,” Regina, one of my clients, said when she came for consultation at the Sexology Clinic with her husband, Jeremia.
“I do not mind us providing financial support to any of our relatives, but this help should be at a distance and they should only visit us for very few days when necessary.”
“That will not solve the problem” Jeremiah retorted, “will you also relocate our children and the housemaid to another home?”
The couple had not been sexual for six months and this was creating serious tension between them. They were in their late 30s and married for 13 years. They had three children, the oldest being 12 and the youngest eight. They lived in a three-bedroom house, the children sharing one bedroom and two of their nephews another bedroom.
They were, as expected, in the main bedroom. Trouble started when Regina refused to have sex because their bed was noisy.
“My eldest child talked about it on our dinner table,” Regina explained, “we had just finished eating, she said that the noises from our bedroom were too much and stopping them from sleeping and pleaded that we do not interfere with their sleep ever again.”
The trouble was that the bed that the couple was using was squeaky. Any small movements resulted in noise that went across the walls.
Regina insisted that she would not ever have sex on that bed again and that they had to buy a new quiet bed.
“You well know that I have to prioritise payment of school fees for the children, and I do not have money to buy a new bed for now,” Jeremia said.
“In that case it is fine, we will do without sex, it is wrong to disturb everyone in the house having sex on a noisy bed,” Regina said.
Many couples do not pay attention to the impact a bad bed can have on their relationship. It is known that about a quarter of couples seeking treatment for sexual problems could be because of lack of privacy in their bedrooms.
For one, if you imagine that people can hear what is going on the mood goes. There is no excitement to have sex anymore. In fact, anxiety builds up and there is no pleasure at all.
It is known that many women lose the ability to have orgasm way before other effects like lack of privacy set in. They cannot fully be in the moment and so cannot realise full pleasure. Sooner, they lose interest in sex. They become unable to lubricate. Sex becomes painful.
Men are not spared either. When there is risk of people hearing what is going on, a man is likely to ejaculate quickly to avoid embarrassment. Sometimes erections can fail.
Both men and women lose sexual desire when privacy is compromised. They end up in sexless relationships. Such relationships are prone to conflicts. If not quickly salvaged they can quickly degenerate into separations and divorce.
“Yes, a squeaky bed can lead to divorce, tell him,” Regina said pointing at Jeremiah who was lost in his thoughts, his gaze fixed to the horizon.
The effects of lack of sexual privacy have led to what we are commonly taught as part of our cultures. Men are taught to put up a house before marrying. Having your sexual partner in your mummy’s house makes it difficult to enjoy sex.
Further, couples are advised to get children out of their bed to a baby cot as soon as they are back home from hospital delivery. At the point of weaning, normally about six months after delivery, serious consideration should be made to move the baby out of the parent’s bedroom.
Of course, the bed should not be noisy. Investing on a good bed is part of the investment in your marriage. It is not something that couples think about one that can have grave consequences to the relationship.
“You know what,” Jeremiah said standing up to leave, “we will put the mattress on the floor; we do not have to have sex on the bed.”
“The bedroom is small, if you put the mattress down the bed has to come out,” she said.
“No problem, I will remove the bed out of the bedroom until I am able to buy a new one,” Jeremiah said as Regina too stood up.
