Joyce was not comfortable with all this talk of wild adventure and especially oral sex.
A family was on the verge of breaking up after six years of marriage. Jackson was demanding oral sex from Joyce, his wife, who was not ready to honour this request.
“He says our sex life is boring simply because I cannot do it,” Joyce explained, “I fear he could be looking out to get satisfaction from other women; I do not want to lose my family, I fear for my children.”
The couple had two children aged three and five. Joyce described the relationship as a loving one since its inception.
“We have been happy till the devil, in the name of oral sex, came between us,” she explained, “things are on a downward trend at a very fast rate since the disagreement started. Am not sure who has shown my husband this thing, which has now become his pet subject.”
I advised Joyce to bring Jackson along for the next appointment.
The couple was in the clinic the next day. Joyce anxiously took to introducing the topic as she introduced me to her husband.
“So, doctor, it is about the oral sex fiasco, the unnatural dirty act,” she started, “Jackson, this doctor deals with sex issues, tell him all your weird sex desires, and he will help you understand why I have been refusing.”
Jackson wore a fishy smile as the stern Joyce continued explaining how important it was to avoid unnatural sexual adventures.
“You know, doc I just fantasise about going beyond the tradition to do something more intimate, more extravagant. I want to hold Joyce, dismantle every part of her body with romance and have the two of us get lost from this world into some metaphysical world!” Intimated Jackson, and this made me smile in earnest!
“That is so romantic!” I exclaimed.
But Joyce could hear nothing of that. She was not comfortable with all this talk of wild adventure and especially oral sex.
Oral sex is the act of genital stimulation using the mouth. It is a common sexual practice, although most couples do not talk openly about it.
A number of studies have been done to specifically find out why men do the act on women. One interesting finding is that men do it as a strategy to retain their partners. They believe that the woman will not venture out if they do it.
In evolutionary psychology, it is believed that the act developed out of a male’s desire to detect infidelity. By doing it, men wanted to smell and taste the presence of semen from other men. With time, this meaning may have been lost, but the act continued. Of course, this is an evolutionary theory and may be hard to prove.
As for women doing it on a man, research has shown that there may be an unintended benefit when women swallow semen. It has been shown that chemicals in semen, when swallowed, improve a woman’s tolerance for pregnancy. The effect of the chemicals on a woman’s body causes a reduction in the incidence of miscarriage as well as high blood pressure in pregnancy.
But oral sex is not without risks. It can transmit sexually transmitted diseases. As such, it is important for a man to wear a condom and the woman to wear a dental dam (cover over female genitals) to avoid the risk of infection. Do note that some of the infections can even lead to cancers of the mouth and throat. It is for this reason that unprotected oral sex is only recommended for those who are truly faithful to their partners.
“Yes, that is why I have been saying we should venture into it!” Jackson interjected, smiling.
But couples have to be cognisant of the social taboo around oral sex as well. The act has been described as unnatural by those who hold the conservative view of sexuality. In such cultures, genitals and their products are commonly considered dirty.
“That is what I have been telling him, but he never listens!” exclaimed Joyce, looking upset.
Well, a couple must find their meeting point.
Of course, trying out new and intimate sexual acts keeps long-term relationships going, but this should be handled with consideration of each other’s comfort levels.
Partners have to be bold enough to try out trivial things, and there has to be consensus and consent without feeling pressured. The final decision has to be made by the two people in the relationship.
“And with this, the ball is in your court,” I concluded.
Joyce called me a week later:
Read: Mouth your love
“I tried to venture into the unknown, and it felt strangely stimulating! If I get problems will call you again.” She said in a shaky voice.
Two years down the line, Joyce has not called me back. My guess, just like yours, is that there is no conflict anymore.
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