Joy is thinking of having an extramarital affair. She is not sexually satisfied. She has not had an orgasm at all in her 11 years of marriage. The frequency of sex, as well as the whole sex process, is, to use her own words, below par.
"I know infidelity is not good for a marriage, but I'm reaching a point where I may have to look elsewhere to satisfy my needs," she explained when she came to the sexology clinic.
Joy, 32, is married to James and they have two children. Before getting married, she had had two boyfriends. She had sex with them and always reached climax. However, this was not the case with her husband.
"His view of sex is very different," she explained. "He says sex is sacred and should be done in the dark, ideally with your eyes closed, because it's like a prayer."
James was poor at foreplay. As soon as he got an erection, he forced himself inside her. Often, Joy was dry, which made sex painful. It's no wonder that Joy found the experience unsatisfactory and orgasm elusive.
"One day, I wanted to try oral sex on him," Joy said. "He got very annoyed and said I was evil."
Well, many relationships involve partners with different sexual values, depending on their upbringing. If you find yourself in a relationship with a conservative partner, there are things you need to be aware of.
For one thing, sexual incongruence is common among such people. This is a situation where one’s beliefs and practices do not match. In other words, they may dread the act of having sex itself, but still choose to do it.
For others, it may be that the sexual practices adopted are unacceptable. Some people just find certain foreplay activities unacceptable, such as kissing.
Such people tend to be stressed by sexual acts. Although they are driven by hormones to have sex, they remain unsettled in their minds. They are more likely to experience sexual dysfunctions that are psychologically mitigated.
Consequently, men may experience erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. A woman may experience unbearable pain during sex. Both men and women may lose their libido, leaving their spouses feeling neglected.
Many sexually conservative people may feel inadequate. Their self-esteem may be affected. Low self-esteem affects personal ambitions beyond sex and may prevent people from aiming high in life.
Then there is the tendency to become sexually compulsive. In this case, they engage in sexual acts that they actually dislike, but they are unable to stop. Many of them are victims of habitual masturbation. Some may resort to casual or even paid sex. They have a secret sexual life of which they are ashamed.
Sexual incongruence is therefore more common among the sexually conservative; it is a situation in which a person ends up doing the opposite of what they believe. They feel guilty and hate themselves for it.
Affected individuals are more likely to have body shame. They may not appreciate the beauty of their bodies because they feel that their bodies keep failing them. There is an internal war between the physical body, one’s values and beliefs, and sexual practices.
"This is all very confusing," said Joy. "I see a lot of what you have described in my husband, and I wonder how to help. As much as unfaithfulness lingers in my mind, it's not something I can accept."
If you live with a conservative spouse or partner, you should be very careful how you treat them. Pointing out that they are not performing well in bed will only make them more stressed. They become anxious and irritable, and may even avoid sex.
Therapy helps one face their upbringing and interrogate how this affects their intimate relationships. People rediscover their social values and beliefs, and understand how these affect their sexuality. They then decide which values need to change in order to better fit with their partners.
Sex coaching increases sexual skills. Conservatism can prevent people from learning how to be sexual. They innocently underperform and wonder why their partners complain.
We agreed to bring her partner along the next day so they could start therapy and coaching. Unfortunately, the man refused.
"I'll sort this out my own way," said Joy, disappointed after her last visit to the clinic.
