Ronald came to the sexology clinic with his lawyer, James. They were in the process of building a divorce case. They wanted me to examine Ronald and write a medical report confirming that he had physical injuries inflicted during sex and that, with the progressive violence during sex, the marriage had become a danger to his life.
"My wife is a perfect person in all respects, except for one thing: she bites, scratches, and lately, slaps and punches me during sex, especially when she is about to have an orgasm," said Ronald.
As a result of the violence, he had been losing his erection midway through sex, while his wife continued to become excited, biting, scratching, slapping and punching him until she climaxed.
"By the time she climaxes, I'm literally boxed into a corner of the bed, too scared to do anything," he said.
Ronald was 32 years old. He was an engineer working for a private construction company. He was married to Jane, a 32-year-old accountant working for an NGO. The couple had been married for two years and had an 11-month-old baby.
“You see, when we got married, she pretended to be normal and never exhibited this strange behaviour in bed,” he explained. “I also now remember that she never had an orgasm back then.”
Jane became pregnant a few months after the wedding and resumed sex two months after giving birth. She then progressively became more violent in bed.
"The more she enjoys sex, the more violent she becomes," Ronald explained. "I fear that, at this rate, she will one day strangle me in bed."
Ronald had not discussed his concerns with Jane. Instead, he sought the services of a lawyer, and they agreed to file for divorce, citing a risk to his life.
For some couples, violence sits at the very heart of their relationship.
Photo credit: Nation Media Group
I asked if I could talk to Jane separately. Ronald reluctantly agreed, and Jane was at the clinic the next day. Although she was soft-spoken and rather shy when it came to discussing sex, Jane said that she had always thought that Ronald enjoyed their sex life.
"I must admit that it's those acts of romantic violence that stimulate me to orgasm," she explained. "I thought Ronald enjoyed the romantic blows, scratches and bites, and that that's why he calmed down and moved to the edge of the bed as I climaxed."
I asked the couple to meet with me together and requested that Ronald leave the lawyer out of the discussions for a moment. Jane was surprised that Ronald had gone to the extent of hiring a lawyer.
"I wish you had discussed it with me before going that far," she said during our joint meeting, tears rolling down her cheeks.
I examined Ronald and could see that he had fresh bite and scratch wounds on his back, chest and arms. He also had old scars from similar assaults. I diagnosed a case of BDSM involving a non-consenting husband. BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism and masochism. In this variant of sexuality, there is a dominant partner who derives sexual gratification from causing pain and torturing the submissive, masochistic partner. In a typical BDSM relationship, the submissive partner derives sexual pleasure from being punished. In fact, the more intense the pain, the more sexual stimulation the recipient experiences, and the closer they get to climaxing.
“Really! I find that strange, and I'm surprised Jane expected that of me!" Ronald interrupted my explanation.
In many BDSM relationships, partners switch roles so that one is dominant one moment and passive the next, enjoying being punished.
Given the nature of this sexual preference, consent is paramount. You must make your partner aware of your sexual fantasies and ensure that they agree to them. Don't assume that they enjoy being punished, or vice versa.
"I think that's where I went wrong," said Jane. "I assumed that Ronald was enjoying my romantic advances. I should have discussed it with him beforehand."
In fact, BDSM without consent is sexual violence. In a court of law, it is impossible to prove that you meant well by using violence against your partner.
"I am also sorry for not expressing my concerns to my wife and going straight to a lawyer,” Ronald quipped. "So how do we move forward from here?"
I treated Ronald for his wounds. I also booked the couple in for sex therapy and coaching, so they could understand each other’s sexual differences and discover sexual activities they both enjoyed. In the end, they agreed to stay married and found a balance in their intimacy that suited them both.
