There is a belief among some communities that sex stops at menopause; that once the woman stops seeing blood at the end of each month, they should similarly keep off the pleasures of sex.
Sometimes it is the man in their lives who orchestrates this view, believing that the woman has finally gone cold, that they have lost their flavour and are tasteless forever.
I was therefore not surprised when Mzee Jamleck walked into the clinic with his wife, Turphosa, asking me to mediate a bitter conflict that had arisen between them.
The couple, in their mid-60s, had disagreed on the issue of bed sharing. Jamleck had decided to move to a separate bedroom, and this offended Turphosa.
“In our culture, a woman who has gone dry should be given her space,” Jamleck said.
“They are as good as a fellow man in matters of sex, no longer feeling the passion to hold or be held. A good man should read the signs and keep his distance.”
He explained that it is this belief that makes the communities start to give such women leadership roles that hitherto were reserved for men.
In his belief system, a woman in her reproductive years, marked by the experience of monthly periods, deserved tender care, but as soon as periods stopped, they developed masculine traits and had to be treated differently.
“How can you say that I am tasteless?” she asked, frowning. “You even dare to claim that I am more of a man than a woman simply because my periods have ended!”
This couple was facing the challenge of cultural myths around menopause. Granted, life does change when menopause strikes, but the myth should not be taken that far.
On the issue of sex, the drive may go down and a woman may not feel like having sex as frequently as before.
What is known scientifically is that instead of having desire and then translating the desire into sexual action, women in menopause need to have a long foreplay and it is the foreplay that stimulates their desire for sex. In other words, action precedes desire in a menopausal woman.
What this new reality portends is a more patient and caring man. Naturally, men want to strike and end the game as soon as they have an erection and asking them to prolong foreplay can be a turn off.
The supersonic speed, which could have been the excitement of a woman in her earlier years, turns into a rape experience for a woman in menopause. Men need to be aware of this.
“Sex aside, this belief that a woman in menopause does not need the warmth of her husband is nauseating to say the least,” Turphosa interjected.
“The lack of sleep, night sweats and foul moods really call for a dedicated soulmate who can support you through this phase of life, not an uncaring man who walks out on you.”
A woman remains a woman and in fact, slowly comes out of the menopausal symptoms and continues to enjoy a womanly life with time.
“I am now a bit confused,” Jamleck said, throwing his hands in the air. “At what age does a woman stop having sex? In the village, our fathers moved out of the woman’s house and built their small huts, an indication that menopause had come and the sexual relationship had ended. In urban settings, the equivalent is to move to a separate bedroom.”
Well, there is really no end to sex in a woman’s life. In the history of the science of sex, orgasm has been recorded in a woman aged 114 years.
While the way sex happens may change, sex continues into the oldest of ages. In fact, those who remain sexually active remain happier and live longer compared to those who decide to stop having sex at a certain age.
“But with age one gets all manner of complications, for example, erections can fail!” Jamleck exclaimed.
And that is true. Age comes with lots of changes in our bodies. What needs to happen is to learn new ways of having sex.
The problem normally is that people want to do the same things they did in their teenage years, disregarding the changes that have occurred to their bodies.
That can be dangerous. It is one reason men misuse the blue pill. Some women also go for Ben Tens for such reasons. Sometimes the outcomes are catastrophic.
“All well taken, doctor,” Jamleck said as the couple stood to leave the consultation room. “I will remain on our marital bed, have long foreplay, and make sure my wife has an orgasm at the age of 114 years!” They both burst out laughing as they waved me goodbye.
