As the year draws to an end, I am reminded of the journey I walked with Richard and his wife, Betty. The two visited the Sexology Clinic five years ago. It was towards the end of the year. They wanted support to quit what they referred to as a toxic sex behavior. Richard was hooked on masturbation.
First, let me put a disclaimer: Sexual values are quite varied and what one considers toxic may be someone else’s bliss. To that extent, masturbation is what it is to different people.
“But for us, it has been a robber of our intimacy. It has brought a lot of conflict in our marriage and we have agreed that it needs to stop,” Betty explained as Richard nodded vigorously.
The couple had been married for three years but was having sex averagely once a month. Betty had agitated for a while, wondering why Richard was never interested in sex until she caught him red handed watching porn and masturbating in front of his computer.
“That was heartbreaking,” Richard said. “I had always felt guilty after masturbating but this time I felt so bad I wanted to commit suicide.”
After a long discussion, Richard made a 2020 New Year resolution to quit masturbation. We worked with him over the months to realise the resolution. In the process, I learnt a number of lessons about New Year resolutions that are worth sharing.
For beginners, it is important to realise that up to half of humans make New Year resolutions to change habits they are not happy about. The commonest resolution is on weight reduction.
Others include quitting smoking and alcohol. A number of people resolve to change sexual behaviours they are unhappy about as well. What is known is that 80 per cent of people making resolutions only maintain them for one week. Many fall along the way and only one out of 10 per cent stick to their resolutions.
One reason resolutions fail is because people want to change too many habits at the same time. When Richard first made the resolution to quit masturbation, he at the same time resolved to be a caring husband and a good father. I immediately raised the red flag. Those are too many things to work on concurrently. We agreed to drop everything else and stick to the masturbation issue.
People also underestimate the effort needed to change a habit. Richard said he had decided to quit and it was over and done when we met. In fact, according to him, his reason for visiting the clinic was to have me reassure Betty that it would never happen again. I told Richard that changing habits is never easy. I had to take him through some lessons to make him understand my perspective.
Working to change a habit requires one to be realistic. In the case of Richard, for example, the habit had been in place for nearly 10 years. There was a deep urge to do it despite Richard hating it. It commonly happened when Richard was stressed or when he was not emotionally connected to Betty. Access to a computer, internet and a private area played a big role in fueling the habit. Richard had to avoid these triggers and replace them with facilitators of change.
“I will be your chaperon,” Betty said. “When the feelings overwhelm you, just talk to me.” She promised to walk the journey with Richard.
Two months later Richard was back in the clinic accompanied by Betty.
“It happened again! I feel like hitting my head on the wall,” he said. After a period of relative success, Richard had a lapse. Betty was not aware. That for me was a lesson.
Making a resolution and working on it does not mean that you cannot slip back. What is important is to know what to do when a slip happens. You need to forgive yourself, amass the will and restart the journey. Do not be ashamed to report back to your chaperon. Re-evaluate circumstances of the lapse and take corrective measures so that it does not happen again.
The other thing is that you must continually resolve to succeed. Resolutions are not restricted to the beginning of the year. In June, Richard called me. He had fought the temptation successfully for four months. He was pleased with the effort.
“It is time to resolve afresh that it will never happen again and inform Betty of your re-commitment,” I told Richard. You must repeatedly say No to the habit to keep it at bay.
Richard has now been off masturbation for five years, a testimony to the fact that with commitment, change is possible. As you make your New Year resolutions this time, do not leave out those sticky sexual habits. Where necessary, you can work with a professional throughout the year to succeed.
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