Three broken relationships and still attracting jokers to her life! That was the description Rose gave of her life when I met her seven years ago.
“You see all my friends are now married and seem to be happy,” she explained. “For me, it has been a life of history repeating itself; they get attracted to me and before I know it, they want sex and once I give in, they are finished and gone!”
What was unique about Rose was her appearance, her make-up, her dressing. It was totally different from her friends’. And so I asked Rose why she chose her unique approach to fashion.
“Never really thought about it; that’s just me and I’m glad to be unique,” she explained with a broad smile, exhibiting a great sense of satisfaction.
Now that Rose had a concern, I found it prudent that we explore what fashion and appearance can do to your sexuality and relationships. That, in my assessment, was where Rose’s problem lay. Many people face the same problem. Your appearance and choice of fashion is an important determinant of whether you get the right partner for a long term relationship or otherwise.
Findings from research by biologists show that the first time one gets attracted to you sexually it is really because of your looks. This is what causes people to come to you and ask for a sexual relationship even before they know who you are.
Biologists say that what most people easily describe as sexually attractive is synonymous with being healthy. In other words, it is difficult for a sick person to attract a sexual partner but someone in good health will always have admirers. Health is a historical biological way of attracting sex mates for the sake of procreation.
For the species to be propagated, people (and animals) naturally select healthy partners to bear children with. As such, someone who appears to have healthy and attractive hair, clean and healthy skin and just the right weight, sexually attracts a lot of potential sex partners.
It is for this reason that women (and of course men) should be conscious of self-care. Mind what you eat, exercise, groom, brush your teeth, and take care of your nails. Further, medical check-ups to detect disease early and get treatment are important and should be regular. These are the secrets to being sexy.
But healthy appearance is just the first step in attracting a sex partner. The fashion that you choose tells volumes about you. There are fashions that say that you are motherly and so you request to be treated as such; others say that you are a tomboy; others say that you do not mind a casual sexual relationship; while others bring out the professional in you.
Some forms of dressing actually tell the world that you are bold, confident and independent and not interested in jokers. Others simply say that you are no longer interested in relating with a sex partner and should be left alone. The consistency with which you maintain your fashion makes people of specific character either get attracted to you or be repulsed. Some appearances attract those who want a marital relationship; others attract those who want a one night stand; while others attract those who want a professional for a relationship, and so on.
Many times, your appearance also communicates your character. People are able to guess, either correctly or otherwise, that you are humorous or that you are a difficult character; some appearances tell the world that you are proud, others that you are humble, serious or simply easy-going. Most of these may be related to how you trim your eye brows, the lipstick you wear, the facial powder you use, your earrings, necklace, bangles or the absence of all of the above.
It is important to understand what your community believes on fashion and make-up. It is for sure fine if you want to challenge and even change those beliefs. It is fine to be rebellious knowingly to pass a message. You however need to have attracted the right partner in the first place, in which case your partner should understand your intentions.
At the end of the day, remember that your appearance boils down to communicating your beliefs, values and character to the world, and reciprocally attracting respect or disrespect. Remember, you are also accountable to your partner— if you have one— and he or she may sometimes need to know why you would want to pass those messages to the world; especially, if the messages communicate that you are interested in sex.
“I hear you doctor, maybe I need to learn more about what my community believes about my unique fashion,” Rose said after a long silence.
One year after our meeting, Rose called, inviting me for a wedding.
“I did a complete makeover, changed my wardrobe and even moved to a new town. And you know what? There were all these serious young professionals approaching me for marriage,” she explained.
It has been five years since her wedding and Rose has just delivered her third child with a real supportive husband. Our new challenge now is to agree on a family planning method.
