It took Jared two years to seek help at the Sexology Clinic for his erection problems. Coming to the clinic was a last resort for him because in his perception, sexual failure is not a medical problem.
“I went to a diviner and after he consulted with metaphysical powers, he put the blame squarely on my first wife. That led to a very difficult moment between me and the woman and, as I speak, we are separated.”
Marriage without sex for eight months is a difficult experience.
Photo credit: Joe Ngari
Jared had two wives. His religion and culture allow for that. He had lived with his first wife for six years before marrying his second one. He was in his second year of marriage as a polygamist when his troubles started. His first wife had three children and his second, one child.
“Initially, the erections were erratic, sometimes present, sometimes going mid-way during sex, and sometimes too weak for penetrative sex,” he explained. “For the last one year, I am totally flat, no sign of life in my manhood, whatever I do.”
Jared was 42 years old, his first wife 37 and his second wife 26. Because polygamy was the norm in his community, he described the tripartite marital arrangement as initially cordial with each party playing their rightful role. Troubles with his first wife came about as part of getting solutions to his erection problems.
Typically, Jared was playing a traditional African by blaming his sexual failure on his first wife. It is known that in many African communities, death and disease do not just happen, there is always an evil force, and that force can be the work of an evil person.
But blaming a sexual partner for sexual failure is not restricted to Africans. Studies show that one in seven men with erection problems blame it on their sex partner. While in some communities one may associate the blame with witchcraft, in others the woman may be blamed for not being sexual enough or not showing love to make the man sexual.
In a few cases, the blame can relate to suspicions of infidelity. In most instances, the problem is total failure in communication, making the partners drift apart. The cause notwithstanding, many men try sex with someone else to prove to themselves that it is their regular sex partner who is the problem.
The woman victim of blame is known to lose self-confidence. They avoid sex and get dissatisfied with the relationship. Unless quickly salvaged, the relationship can easily fall apart.
“So, are you saying that I am fully responsible for this problem?” Jared wondered.
An interesting lot are people who blame themselves when sexual problems happen. These ones lack self-efficacy and humble themselves before their sex partners to gain mercy. A number of them believe that they deserved the punishment from God for the things they did.
Unfortunately, such beliefs only make recovery from sex problems more difficult as the victim keeps anticipating worse outcomes. Negative prophecies on sex outcomes do come to pass because of the intricate relationship between negative sexual feelings and sexual failure mediated by anxiety, lack of concentration and resigning oneself to failure while in the act.
There are days when sex will not be in your radar given what is going on in your life.
Photo credit: Nation Media Group
The right view is that sex problems of any sort are health problems. The health profession has fully classified sex problems and designed treatments for them. People who take this view suffer the least consequences when struck by sexual failure. They can openly discuss their problems with their sex partners and friends and seek help from health workers. The right health workers fully evaluate, get an appropriate diagnosis, and design the right treatment.
I evaluated Jared fully, including doing a number of tests. I found his testosterone to be low. Further tests showed that he had varicoceles in both testes. Varicoceles are abnormal accumulations of blood which alter the temperature in the testis and reduce its ability to produce testosterone and sperm. Treatment of varicoceles is by surgery.
“My only challenge now is how to apologise to my first wife,” he said. “I was totally out of order to blame her.” And with that we started another journey – the reconciliation of the couple to prevent further deterioration in the relationship and save it from divorce.
