My partner goes silent for days every time we have a disagreement, and I have to apologise to get us talking again. It is emotionally draining; how do I handle this situation?
The problem there is not communication but commitment. You want the relationship more than they want it. The reason they disappear is that they don't care.
Unfortunately, you cannot communicate someone into caring. If someone doesn't want you in their life or they won't treat you with respect, the only communication they deserve is "Goodbye."
Love is not synonymous with maturity. Someone can love you and still not be good for you. If they want you but they don't want to change for the relationship to work, there's no future there.
Beware of strong feelings. Good chemistry can distract you from serious incompatibility. When you feel strongly attracted to a person, do not fan the flame by getting sexually closer. Step away, suppress your feelings and ask yourself the hard questions. To be objective requires distance.
Invite them for a sitting to discuss the issue and then show up yourself, on time. If they don't come, that absence is their answer. And if they come, let them know that you're willing to work on the relationship, but you're not ready to deal with abandonment and absence.
If they want to step up and communicate rather than closing down, well and good. If not, you can end everything amicably. If they don't show up or agree to talk, that's the closure you need.
Someone can love you and still not be good for you.
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People can choose to date you when they still don't respect you. Being chosen is not the same as being valued. People can pick you because you're a good person and you'll improve their life.
Being a good person requires having a good balance of good intentions and strong boundaries. People will often abuse the soft spot you have for them until it's not there anymore. If people didn't appreciate your love, make them appreciate your loss. Let your absence teach them what your presence couldn't.
Also, remember most people's bad decisions in relationships share two things in common: they were made in a hurry, and they were made on a high. That is, when you're intensely in love and you're rushed.
Always slow down when making major decisions and never commit when you're excited. Give yourself enough time to observe someone outside the intensity of romance.
Watch how they behave when they are disappointed. Watch how they treat you when they are angry. Watch how they respond when you say no. Watch whether their words remain consistent when there is nothing to gain from keeping you happy. Do not rush past those moments because you are afraid of losing the person. Sometimes losing someone early is precisely how you save yourself from losing years later.
Do not confuse repeated apologies with peace. If you have to keep apologising simply to restore access to the relationship, you are not resolving conflict. You are learning to surrender whenever the other person withdraws.
That's how you unknowingly create a dangerous pattern. They withdraw. You panic. You apologise. The relationship appears restored. Then the next disagreement comes, and the cycle begins again.
Eventually, you stop asking whether something is fair and start asking what you need to do to keep them from leaving.
Healthy relationships do not require two people to agree on everything. They require two people who are willing to remain present when they disagree.
You can be angry and still communicate. You can need space and still say, "I need some time, but we will talk tomorrow."
So before you commit, do not only ask, "Do we love each other?" Ask, "How do we handle each other when love is difficult?"
The person you choose should not only be someone you can fall deeply in love with. They should be someone with whom you can build a healthy life when the feelings are no longer doing all the work.
