Women speak: 'This is the moment I knew I wanted a divorce'

Nation Lifestyle spoke with women who shared the exact moment they knew their marriage was over—the final straw that made them say, enough! After years of trying to hold on they made the painful but necessary choice to walk away.

Rehema: Dated for eight years, married for two then called it off

When Rehema, 32, had met her ex-husband, she felt she had bagged her soulmate. Then a campus student, her ex-husband was what she had imagined.

"He was a light-skinned, average-height gentleman who was very sentimental and went out of his way to make me feel special by spending quality time and gifting me."

Then the cheating began. The first incident was during our second year of dating. He felt guilty and confessed to me.

"I was so upset and it completely wrecked the relationship...I should have left at that point but I did not. I chose to forgive because of how he pleaded he would change and this was the first and last time," she says.

It became a cycle. "A classmate, an ex-girlfriend, a neighbour, a friend… then he would confess. I would dig the details in between tears then see how remorseful he was and forgive him and if I did not, he would gaslight me..."

So, during their dating phase, Rehema was never intimate with her ex-husband waiting for when she would tie the knot. Rehema shares she did disclose how he had hurt her in the past but she was deeply religious believing that forgiveness and grace were the foundation of marriage.

"I did not confront how I felt when I was not honoured? When the trust was broken…. I did not talk about this deeply," she says.

In 2019, the two solemnized their eight-year friendship by tying the knot. But two days into the honeymoon, cracks continued to deepen. "I remember during our honeymoon, one of us, cannot remember who wanted out and we had a massive fight about it," she says adding she never felt secure.

Cheating 

Three months after their wedding, Rehema shares her ex-husband confessed to cheating during his bachelor night. Then it continued. Same cycle just a different girl.

Also Read: I got a baby but it didn’t tame my cheating man

Rehema would go to therapy because he blamed her for the cheating. Then it all came crumbling down gradually.

"First was when I got pregnant. He was nonchalant. At the time, I was working from home. He never checked up on me, came home late in the night, and just sort of minded his own business. When he spoke to me, it was with a 'disgusted' face. I was so lonely," she says.

Three months after delivering her daughter, Rehema found out that while she was pregnant, her ex-husband was having an affair with an intern at the company he was working in.

“When I asked why he was coming home late and was so interested in this particular woman he denied it. I accepted that this is who he was and not the man I wanted for myself.”

This was the last straw. So, when her daughter was six months old, Rehema ripped the Band-Aid. She first moved out and stayed for six months before initiating divorce through her lawyer.

“I was emotionally wrecked. I would constantly cry my eyes out, at times I would distract myself by watching movies and series, writing really long texts to him, having drinking sprees and it became a cycle up until I went for therapy again.”

“My first concern was how I would finance the divorce and parental responsibility arrangement …but thankfully I had a lawyer who is a family friend who helped.”

Looking back, Rehema acknowledges that their relationship should not have ended up in marriage. “I should have left when the trust was broken the first time," she says.

Five years’ post-divorce, Rehema says she is still healing from the marriage. If she could offer advice: “Go for therapy and unpack what you are feeling. Put yourself as a priority because you deserve a love that honours, trusts and uplifts you and is safe. If you are worried about what people will say, they will not talk forever, and if they do so what?” 

Akoth: ‘He was manipulative and violent’

The first months of Akoth, 31, cohabiting with her ex-husband were pure bliss. By this time, she was working a night shift and he would call to check up on her and prepare meals. He was kind.

Then his true colours started to show. “At first it was being controlling of what I was doing to being jealous of my interactions at work.”

It did not take long before the manipulation manifested into physical assault. When she was expectant with their first child, her ex-husband physically abused her after suspecting she was having an affair with a client.

“I was working in a car tracking business and his friend referred my services to another friend and he (my ex-husband) assumed we were trying to date. After the assault, I slept with a knife beneath my pillow that night.”

Since she grew up in an abusive home, Akoth knew she wanted her child(ren) to have better. Still, they decided to tie the knot on October 11 2017. However, a week before she found out that her soon-to-be husband had cheated on her.

“I saw notifications from Facebook of him chatting with her. He had synchronised our Facebook accounts at the time. I confronted him and wanted to call off the wedding but we talked and we wed,” she recalls.

Two years after the birth of their son, Akoth remembers hanging out with her ex-husband and his friends but it left a bitter taste in his (her husband's) mouth. “When we got home he became condescending. “You know you do not have to act smart. You are not smart.” Then I was cut off from his friends."

Already, Akoth had been gradually isolated from her family members and friends to the extent she had to tend to their child at home while he hung out with his friends.

From the time she got married and even had their first son, her ex-husband never provided for them. She says he would use all the money on his family. “We were never a priority to him.”

After having their son, Akoth remembers having a miscarriage.

“That fateful day, he had gone to an office party, and when the abdominal pain began, I called his phone. He did not answer and I called his colleague and asked him to tell him to take me to hospital. He came back home the next day at 11am.

While being attended to, my son called me with his phone and I would hear my ex-husband and brother in the background saying how I caused the miscarriage and actually deserved it. Pissed off by their discussion, I went out and told him he could go back home instead of berating me. He responded with, ‘You know when we are done…grab whatever you need in the house and leave. Take your child and leave.’ I told him I would deal with that when I left the hospital.”

True to her word, Akoth recuperated in the hospital and then moved out. “It was messy because I was not only mourning for the miscarriage, I was bleeding and was going through the motions of being 'dumped' at that critical time,” she says.

For a year and a half, she was on her own but went back and even tried counselling. She admits, “I should not have but I really felt empty and wanted another child. I would daydream with a child, feel the cries of a baby even though I did not have and went back. I got pregnant. So, during the counselling sessions, he always justified his actions and became very defensive so we stopped.”

A few months in, he had been physically abusive then one day, when about eight months pregnant, Akoth was purchasing airtime from her ex-husband's phone and saw a familiar woman’s name. She questioned him on whether anything was going on but he brushed it off.

“Since I had taken her contact, I called her the next day in the morning and she confessed everything including plans of her being introduced to his mom. I cried my eyes out and then figured out how I would move. I did not confront him but started selling out my clothes and shoes so that I could save up,” she recalls.

“Before I left, I had asked on social media for support on diapers, clothes, basins, and blankets for my baby because my ex-husband had only bought a face towel for our newborn son. I got them.”

In retrospect, Akoth says the realisation that her sons deserved better and they would grow in trauma as she did, made her not go back. “I remember there was a time my son had a congested chest at night and he heard me waking up to boil water to pat him. When he woke up, he requested to help out, and instead of cooling it, he used the steaming water on him. I heard my child asking him to stop hurting him but he would not listen. So, I went and took him away and cooled the water to his satisfaction. In anger, my ex-husband poured the water and I had to make another batch.”

"I should have left the first time he physically assaulted me."

Around March of 2021, even before giving birth, Akoth left. She did not tell her husband beforehand. She just packed and took her children with her.

“When I was leaving, femicide cases in the country were so high to an extent I feared telling him. And since he had physically assaulted me severally in the past, I knew I could not let him know of my plan,” she shares.

The first night after she left, Akoth recalls, was a tranquil one. For the first time, she slept from 7pm to midday of the next day. “I remember my son told me, 'Mummy thank you for saving us,' and kept telling me that for a long time."

To a woman going through what Akoth went through, she advises, “If he is hitting you…you need to leave. If you are unhappy, he is cheating you need to leave. Abusive marriages, relationships, and situationships are not okay. So, choose yourself and leave." 

June: ‘I married a sexual deviant’

If June could travel back in time, she would listen to her gut feeling and avoid her ex-husband like the plague. The year was 2006 when she met him in church where he was actually like in the pastoral leadership so he was held in good esteem.

"I was never drawn to him. So I never really had any sort of liking to him. He was just a brother in Christ like others...But I know he had a liking for me. This I knew because one day he took me for a lunch date and he straight up asked me if I would consider marrying him. I was shocked. From there I didn't speak with him for years. But still, nobody else had any interest in me. So I convinced myself maybe I am not listening to God and refusing the person He has chosen for me,” June shares.

So, around 2009, June's ex-husband expressed interest again and they talked about their plans for the future. “I knew I had bagged a good one because he had this purpose-driven idea for marriage and family that sounded very legit. Also, him being a believer, being respectable in the community, and mostly not questioned (which became a red flag I ignored later) reinforced my thinking that he was the one for me.”

Within four months June and her ex-husband had set a wedding date and informed the clergy so that they could begin their premarital counselling.

The first year, she recalls was honeymoon-like. He treated her like a queen. From spontaneous dates, gifts, surprises, creating family time... he did it all. In the second year of their marriage, he started claiming that he needed to work even on weekends and sometimes he was going on work trips.

“For some reason, it was not convincing because he was working in a government office and I used to wonder how much work did he need to do?”

Then they got their first child and his sexual deviance began. “He began asking for sex from our babysitter and even going to her bed when I was asleep. When she told me and I confronted him, he became so remorseful, knelt down, and even had teary eyes and although I was so hurt, I forgave him. Come to think of it, I should have known that nothing could change,” she shares.

Angry by the situation, June reported her husband to their pastor and he tried talking to my ex-husband but it did not take long before she was informed by one of his colleagues of how her ex-husband was flirting with his colleagues in the office.

“When I asked him about it, he did not utter even a word.”

Every year after that became chaotic. His cheating continued with house helps (those who cooperated became his wives and those who refused he threatened them) church girls, and night guards in our apartment, and by the fifth year, sex was non-existent.

June would find out what her ex-husband was doing from comments like huyu naye kwani hana bibi...huyu ni aibu tu (Doesn't he have a wife? He should be ashamed) from people.

As he was philandering, June shares, he became irresponsible at home. “Rent became a tussle, food...and anytime I questioned he played deaf. I could talk, yell at him and he would not respond.”

By the sixth year, June borrowed his laptop to send an email and found he had not only saved pornography but was on a site for Nairobi prostitutes.  Additionally, his phone was full of women's messages and a hidden Mpesa line for paying them.

“I tried to reach out to our church pastors and he avoided church completely. We went for counselling and he pretended not to be aware of the things he was doing that were disturbing me,” she recalls.

From then on, June shares, she knew she needed to tap out, and everything her ex-husband did confirmed it. “From when I got the chance to work in Sudan in 2019, our children would call me crying saying I needed to go back. Then another time my son wanted him to pray for him and he told him he does not pray anymore. He started stripping in front of the children...I mean the list is endless.”

 In 2020-2021, June says, her ex-husband moved out of their matrimonial bedroom and was sleeping on the couch. The children would order him to go back to his bed and he would not say a word.

When Covid-19 struck, June reached out to a lawyer who had handled divorce and they set up a meeting. “She (the lawyer) took down notes as I spoke and was attentive something that affirmed me that I was on the right path. She advised me on how I would gather evidence I set the ball rolling.”

In 2021, June says her ex-husband left their house and lives. By that time, the court case was at the hearing stage and he had told the judge to give him time to amend issues in his marriage and was given three months. But, he disappeared. Lawyers tried to convene meetings and he boycotted them.

“The court had told him if after three months there is no progress, the case will proceed to hearing. He tried to postpone whenever the hearing came… two times but he was told it would proceed to judgement. From then on he never showed.”

Thinking back, June says she wishes she should have dissolved the marriage earlier on. “I started seeing the cracks in the very first years and I should have gone then but I feared being told I could have done more or even sikuvumilia yakutosha (I did not persevere).”

Now, June tells women who are undergoing something similar to step out. “He will never change and in hindsight, it only gets worse.”

Expert View:

Signs your marriage may be heading towards divorce

Are you noticing worrying patterns in your marriage? Marriage counsellor Jennifer Muthoga from Jijali Wellness outlines the critical signs that could indicate your relationship is heading towards divorce.

At the heart of troubled marriages lies a fundamental breakdown in communication. "Couples start talking at each other instead of with each other," Muthoga explains. "Every conversation becomes a minefield of misunderstandings, often leading to prolonged periods of silent treatment and hostility."

The erosion of respect and intimacy serves as another glaring warning sign. When partners stop showing care through simple gestures like phone calls, and physical intimacy becomes rare, the relationship may be approaching a critical point. This deterioration often coincides with instances of infidelity, further damaging the marital bond.

Abuse in any form—physical, emotional, or financial—signals serious trouble. "When one partner consistently belittles the other, withholds financial support despite having means, or resorts to physical violence, the marriage is likely in its final stages," Muthoga warns.

Addiction presents another significant challenge. Whether it's gambling, drugs, or other destructive behaviours, these issues can tear a marriage apart. Similarly, financial decisions that prioritise extended family over the immediate household can drive a relationship to breaking point. "When all resources flow to his family instead of the family you're building together, the marriage will inevitably suffer," she notes.

Even fundamental differences in values, goals, and parenting approaches can become insurmountable obstacles. These core incompatibilities often signal deeper relationship issues that may prove irreconcilable.

However, Muthoga emphasises that reaching this crossroads doesn't automatically mean divorce is inevitable. She strongly advocates seeking professional help: "A counsellor can provide objective guidance for both partners." In cases involving physical abuse, though, her advice is clear: "Separate first, seek legal counsel, and take time to process your situation."

For those contemplating divorce, she cautions against hasty decisions driven by emotional pain. "Pursue counselling to manage your emotions and prepare both yourself and your children for the potential separation," she advises. Building a strong support network becomes crucial during this emotionally turbulent time.

Above all, Muthoga stresses the importance of self-care when facing marital difficulties. Whether through exercise, meditation, maintaining friendships, or seeking therapy, taking care of your own wellbeing becomes paramount. The journey through marital difficulties is challenging, but with proper support and self-care, you can navigate it more effectively.

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