When you discover that your parent is cheating, you will experience a heartbreak of your own kind.
Hi Zulu,
My dad has been cheating on my mum for some time now. It breaks my heart to see him do this. I have evidence of his affairs. Should I confront him?
Dear reader,
You must never confront your parents over cheating. That is overstepping, and it would only make things worse.
When you discover that your parent is cheating, you will experience a heartbreak of your own kind. It's not the one you undergo when a lover cheats on you, but one you experience when you discover that someone you held in such high regard is a pretender. The disappointment will be immense, especially if you had a good relationship with them.
You might even feel disgust, especially if the cheating parent has been leeching off the other one. But you must resist the temptation to jump into action. To those parents, you're just an offspring; you're not a part of their marriage. The dynamic between them as partners is unique and personal. No outsider can change it, including you.
The best course of action is threefold.
One: Vent to a different person, not your parents. They still deserve their respect as parents, and your anger will be ugly if you confront them with it. You'll end up saying things you'll regret later. Offload your feelings to a therapist or a friend until you wake up to the reality that, yes, mum or dad is unfaithful. For all the times they asked us to behave right, they were hypocritical behind the scenes.
Two: inform the innocent parent only if they're ready for it. Some people prefer denial to dealing with the uncomfortable truth; if you force them to acknowledge it, you will pay for it. They will pour all their frustrations on you.
If, on the other hand, they're uninformed and welcoming of the information, give them the initiative to discover it on their own and leave it at that. You don't know whether they have any power to change things or if they're afraid of confronting the situation.
Three: If you're still young and under their care, look the other way and try to buy time until you're grown and independent. If you're grown and out of the home already, adjust your relationship with the violator, especially if they're not remorseful.
If they genuinely apologise for embarrassing the family and they change, then you can rebuild a connection.
But if they act like they don't care, you should create your distance and give them the bare minimum respect and attention because of their position . They have lost their moral authority, but they still have their biological position as your parent or the partner to your parent.
There is a story in the bible about Noah in Genesis 9. He got drunk with wine and lay naked in his tent. One son ridiculed him, and the other two covered him. The one who ridiculed him was cursed, which took effect because he was in the wrong. If your parents lose themselves and lie naked, you should either cover them or stay away. Do not shout it or expose it to the world. That degree of disrespect to someone in the position of your parent is unacceptable before men and God.
Lastly, in this era of social media avoid filming and sharing everything, especially vulnerable and private family things. I am referring to the evidence you claim to have.
Remind yourself, your parents' cheating is their choice, not your fault.
Discovering that a parent is being unfaithful is very confusing. You feel hurt, embarrassed and upset. You don't know what to do or how to do it. Understand you're just a child and your hands are tied. You can support the cheated parent emotionally, but it's not your responsibility to solve their marital issues.
Sometimes you and your siblings can find group therapy especially when you're all grown and out of the home. Handling the situation together can also help you process the feelings and establish new ways of relating with the cheating parent.
