There are days when sex will not be in your radar given what is going on in your life.
David had done all his research before coming to the Sexology with his wife, Gladys, for consultation. He carried his notebook which he frequently referred to.
“So, in the Quran, it is actually haram for a wife to deny her husband sex,” he said, “and the Bible says that you should not deny each other the pleasure of sex otherwise you may drive each other to temptations.”
Gladys was quiet all this while, lost in her thoughts. She shook her head in disagreement, removed her spectacles and started to wipe them with the hem of her blouse.
“I think it is ungodly to force me to have sex when I do not feel like, and using the word of God to justify your selfish needs is not acceptable.”
The couple, now in their 13th year of marriage, were both aged 39. David was a businessman while Gladys was a social scientist working for an NGO. The couple was having sex infrequently, once or twice a month.
“When did all this trouble begin to inflict your marriage?” I asked, hoping to interrupt the heated exchange which was now getting emotionally charged.
They said that it had been two years of trouble. Initially they were sexual two to three times a week. This declined overtime to where they were now.
“David’s appetite has remained the same,” Gladys said, “I am getting busy overtime and with all the demands at work I cannot remain active like I used to be in my 20s.”
I did routine examinations and tests just to be sure that neither of them had a medical issue which could have affected their sexual desire. There was none.
“Doctor, just listen to me, there are days that I am tired both physically and emotionally and so I cannot have sex,” Gladys explained, “my husband has failed to understand and that is the problem.”
“You have never told me that,” David replied, “you always turn your back on me and talk badly when I make advances, saying that I behave like a wild animal that only thinks of sex and food.”
I now got what the issue was. David was feeling rejected and reacted by putting a strong case to justify his need for sex. His reaction was in response to how Gladys behaved and talked whenever he made sexual advances.
A couple that lives together will always have days that sex does not work for either or both of them. One person will want to and the other will not be in the mood. There is nothing abnormal about this. How a couple navigates this common situation, however, can leave a trail of damage to both parties and rock the relationship or can leave them happy, satisfied and looking to the future for better times.
The route Gladys had taken of turning away from David and using harsh words is hostile. In many relationships it leads to conflict because the partner wanting sex feels rejected. Many couples go mute on each other for days after such encounters.
Worse still, some people ignore sexual ques from their partners and pretend that they neither know nor understand what their partners are up to.
Some pretend that they are sick, fake fatigue, or pretend that they are deep asleep when advances are made. There are even cases where people become unreasonable so as to pick a quarrel and reduce possibilities of sex happening.
Some of these behaviours adversely affect the long-term health of a relationship. One thing leads to another and before you know it, the relationship is on its death bed.
“Doctor, I need to get this clear,” Gladys interrupted, “are you siding with David that I should have sex even when I am not in the mood?”
Definitely not! There are days when sex will not be in your radar given what is going on in your life. The best way, however, is to calmly explain to your partner your circumstances and reassure them that you are still in love and will make up soonest. A loving partner will support you to overcome what you are going through so that you resume sex.
“I love my wife and if work is taking a toll on her we can discuss as a family and find ways to support her,” David said, “I actually feel bad that I could have added to her stress, I did not know why she was refusing sex.”
“I am sorry that I did not explain myself well,” Gladys said, “when one is stressed you do not realise that you are reacting inappropriately to the one you love.”
And with that they stood up, waved bye and left the office in a hurry.
