It has been a while since I attended a Chama meeting. I am privileged to be invited to attend meetings when matters sex is in the agenda and my professional advice is needed.
Last Saturday, the topic was on how to handle sex when your spouse is unfaithful. Here is the scenario: you have just discovered that your husband is having an affair. How do you react to the situation?
Doris, a middle-aged woman married for the last seven years and having two children, resorted to Chama for advice.
Members of Chama were unanimous: stay put; do not walk out of the marriage but deny him sex. What followed was serious conflict between Doris and her husband making the marriage toxic. Doris was at the brink of divorcing. This prompted the chairperson of Chama to call an emergency meeting. I was invited to give expert opinion.
“We have decided that should any of our men become unfaithful we will deal with it in our own way: deny them sex as well as all the love and care that we routinely give,” the chairperson explained.
“Yes, it is very logical since their intimacy needs are being met elsewhere,” a member shouted from the back, “and we will not walk out of the marriage if that is what they are hoping to achieve.”
They threatened to go public and embarrass Doris’ husband on social media. They also talked of going to his place of work to create a scene and shame him.
Well, dealing with infidelity has never been easy. Victims of infidelity describe it as the worst experience of their lives. While a number of cases end up in separation and divorce, the majority of marriages continue and couples have to find ways of resolving the crisis and rebuilding their intimacy.
If you are one of those who have decided to stay put in the marriage and resolve the problem, the compromise you have to make is to avoid angry outbursts, insults, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands.
On the other hand, you must approach the crisis thoughtfully and with respect to the wayward spouse. Let’s face it, you do not want your spouse to find reason for sticking to the other woman for sympathy and comfort.
We are all human and it is expecting too much to assume that you will be smiling and feeling good about an unfaithful spouse. You being respectful is however part of a game plan that must be executed prudently. First, demand that your spouse totally disengages from the relationship and fully separates from the other woman. Communication with the other woman must stop immediately and you must agree on how to monitor this. Honesty and sincerity on this is of utmost importance.
As part of managing the separation, your man should allow you to inform a few close family confidants of what has happened. This may include your pastor, your best couple, your parents and any other close friends of the family. These close confidants are important in ensuring accountability in resolving the conflict. They also ensure that the offending party is remorseful and that they do not repeat the mistake. It is important for you to note that infidelity is an addiction, once it happens, chances are that it will recur and solving the current episode must put the future into account.
Remember, your man is not moving out because you failed in your role as a spouse. Research shows that the commonest cause of infidelity is boredom with the relationship and the weakening of intimacy. Both parties contribute to this situation. Similarly, commitment of both parties is necessary for resolving the problem.
It is highly recommended that you learn to forgive if a solution has to be found. You cannot however forgive unless the issues at hand are discussed openly. Hence, once the wayward spouse has separated from the affair, your next immediate course of action is to face the difficult issues leading to as well as the impact of the infidelity on both of you. The man must openly give his reasons for his actions. The woman must express her feelings and the damage caused by the infidelity. Do not be deceived, unless this difficult discussion happens in an honest and open environment, resumption of sex, showering you with gifts or taking you for a holiday does not resolve the problem and restore trust.
The third course of action is to rebuild the lost intimacy. Both of you must commit to loving and caring for each other. This is something that you do not await to happen. You must proactively look for avenues to rebuild your relationship. This can include couple seminars, books and videos on intimacy and couple couching.
If within a month your man is still struggling to separate from the other woman and is maintaining communication and even meeting with her then the next course of action should be taken. Unless you are prepared to have a co-wife, you better move out of the marriage and try resolving the issue from outside.
Secondly, if the man becomes violent or even allows the other woman to assault you, move out at the earliest opportunity. It is better to be separated or even divorced than die trying to mend a relationship.
“Well put: stay sober, demand immediate disengagement from the infidelity, involve people you trust to maintain accountability, resolve the root cause of the infidelity and rebuild your intimacy,” the chairperson interjects in a way to tell me that time was up, “and yes, run for your life if the man refuses to cooperate or accept to have a co-wife.”
